Yogi Bhajan Lecture Archive
Lecture by :
Siri Singh Sahib Bhai Sahib Harbhajan Singh Khalsa Yogi Ji
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Lecture on: 04/01/1977
Category: Class Lectures
Location: Unknown

Understanding Sexual Behavior

We are going to cover the sexual and sensual discrepancies in married life. Sexual discrepancies are based on mental prejudices and identification with the past, childhood and other such experiences to which many women relate. The sexual relationship will be married if she relates to her husband as a father figure, caters to him as a son, or is distrusting. The sexual relationship is in the head of the woman and the man. It is not an instinct which comes and goes with the weather, the season, time or space or biological reason. It is something which is triggered in the head, goes through the living room, the kitchen, and ends up in the bed. It is a long process to go through.

Temporary impotency is also caused by behavioral dissatisfaction. Some people really figure that if they don’t indulge in any sexual relationship they are very spiritual. The fact is that it is escapism. You don’t have any spirit. You can’t flow. Some people use the flow of the spirit for physical satisfaction. That is also an escape. Both ways are wrong. Having too much sex, like a rabbit, or too little, like a monk, is not healthy. Unless a person has the capacity to transmute his sexual energies and reach a state of consciousness where he can adjust the mental attitudes to effective greatness, it is very inconvenient living. Sexual discrepancies are caused and confirmed either by experience, relating to those experiences, or from some neurosis under which people take shelter.

Sexual discrepancies and unharmonious living also come out of the fear of pregnancy. There was a woman who got married but never wanted to get pregnant. She never wanted to use pills because she knew that was unhealthy so she was under so much fear that she never enjoyed the sexual relationship. Finally she got an IUD and felt so safe she started running after her husband who didn’t know where to hide himself.

Our sexual behavior depends on many, many things. Most people use sex as a tool. It is a tool of communication in most of the cases. It has nothing to do with what it really is. Sexual energy is nothing but a mental, physical, and emotional exchange of two people’s energies.

Sometimes a sexual relationship is marred by physical inconvenience which is a very deep-to-the-earth situation. If either the woman or the man doesn’t feel physically comfortable, sexual intercourse can end up as a nuisance. Room temperature must be comfortable. But the most detrimental thing which can happen to you is to indulge in a sexual relationship after you have eaten. After eating food, this heavy exercise in which you involve all your nerves, all your muscles, and your entire mind, can ruin your stomach. If you do not listen to that warning and keep on doing it, ultimately you will end up having a quick discharge, a premature ejaculation.

Another problem is when you do not discharge. You go on and on having sex, but you do not discharge. This habit comes to those who indulge in sex when they are tired. Finally the nervous system totally freezes and the nerves become frigid. Ladies who use sex as a communication – just to communicate to the other person that she belongs to him – they become frigid, unable to move and unable to flow in the sexual relationship.

The problem is that sex is a very important thing in our life. It’s the base of every important relationship so it has to be right. Too much of it is not good, and too little is also not good. Having a sexual relationship has nothing to do with life, but if you do not have the right type of environments and the right type of mood it is better to avoid it. One wrong sexual intercourse can affect your mind worse than clouds of problems. Therefore, it is very basic and very desirable that you proceed with this relationship with the utmost caution and calculation. It is pretty dangerous to indulge in physical intercourse with a woman when she is not in the mood or not ready for it. Forcing either a woman or a man into a relationship of physical cohabitation is almost creating a wall between the two individuals. It is unhealthy, mentally not right and makes the relationship very shallow. Actually, it is highly damaging to have intercourse when the people are not mentally, trustingly satisfied. Trustingly satisfied is when you are relaxed and cozy, and the mood has already been set in the living room. Some people think that they can just set the mood in the bedroom; they are the greatest offenders of the sexual life and they create more discrepancies, deficiencies, and problems than anybody else.

Even in the western world, there used to be such environments where you would go out, you would eat, you would be together, you would dance, you would return at midnight, and if you wanted to have sexual intercourse, fine. If not, fine. But now, it is just a “get-in and get-out” business. It is true, men get the release, but it is also true that the women get the frustration. The woman has to raise herself, or you have to help her, to reach a point of tiding.

Many women have sex with men other than their husbands, leaving the area of grace. That happens when they do not love themselves, when they hate themselves and think they are not beautiful and think, instead, they are ugly. They go out and use sex as a tool to prove to themselves that somebody loves them. Actually, nobody loves them because they are available, and that makes such a woman even sicker. For a woman to be untruthful in a relationship is nothing but a mental sickness. A woman who cannot be very truthful, precise, honest, or loyal in the sexual relationship is very self-blind. She’s polluting herself.

Any sexual discrepancies or handicaps make you mentally unsocial. That is the problem. They create mental frustration. They make people who are not satisfied in sexual behavior frustrated. The more you want to solve this frustration, the more solidly you get into it. We have seen certain people getting totally cured. Instead of getting into this unhealthy vicious cycle of “the more frustrated you feel, the more you indulge,” they have tried to use self-control. Self-control, in these kinds of areas of frustration, is developed through games: volleyball, tennis, badminton – kinds of games which are very intelligent and very powerful. The best of them is badminton. It is a very powerful, intelligent, self-involving game. Next comes tennis. But with tennis, the problem is that if you want to become skilled in it, either you develop a bad elbow or shoulder, or God knows what. With badminton you will never have any problem at all. That is why it is called a delicate game. It is sophisticated, it involves the mind very much, and the results are tremendously good. All those are games which people enjoy, feel their nerves and muscles, and feel their life. Then they can come and lie down and sleep well. When you are too involved in your work you have no feeling toward sex. Your energy is involved and you feel a deep feeling of fulfillment. It has been seen that good professional athletes who are very honest in athletics have much less weakness for sexual discrepancies. Their sexual life is very normal and they are very relaxed.

It has also been found that people who do not do any regular meditation, sadhana or exercise have a kind of “itchy” nervous system, and their indulgence in sex is to get rid of the “itch.” Any time you want to get out of the “itch” and indulge in sexual life, you are actually acting against your mind, and when you do that it will give you neurosis of temperament. You will be short-tempered, intolerant, unsocial and your communication will be defective and poor, and it will be impossible for you to keep your promise. All these human behavior deficiencies some out with those people who use sex as a tool for their nervous “itch.”

The relationship between the man and the woman in the married life affects the person in his career too. If somebody is married to a woman who is very bitchy and bites at him all the time, he will be super defensive. Any man who is married to a woman who uses this put-down technology will be an egomaniac. If a woman uses her sexual, sensual and social behavior to promote sexual neurosis, she will end up ruining the man. Therefore your sexual approach should be a sane approach.

It is very undesirable to indulge in a sexual relationship when you are very hungry or when you are under the pressure of time. It is nothing but a nervous exploitation.

Women have formed this new idea, “We are not sexually compatible.” People who say they are not sexually compatible are not mentally compatible. It is desirable to sit down and talk about where the shoe pinches and take care of that area. You will be surprised that the sexual behavior will change.

Now let us discuss sexual polarity out of sexual neurosis. There is no woman who can be satisfied without a man – man in figure, man in thoughts, man in imagination, or man in physical needs. One aspect of a male is required by every woman, and woman has to resolve to become totally honest about it. That is why they say:

Baba boolee bela jee bana,
man kartar tin babayta nikaray
sukee rasay surnar.”

This means, “I am sorry. It is the Will of God. You are right.” Does this mean that you are a second-rate citizen or a slave? It does not. “I am sorry” opens up the communication. “It is the Will of God” clears the blame. “You are right” gives the apparatus the energy to live and carry on, because tomorrow there is going to be another mistake and clash. When woman uses this technology, she is not a second-rate citizen, but actually she is a compassionate holder of the fort. You must understand that men are like mirrors; they are unable to repair themselves. Once they get an emotional crack in their minds, they live with it. Two things men do not have as a basic quality that women have: the ability to repair himself, and the ability to see his egocentric approach. Men have a difficult time sitting down and rationalizing themselves. Somebody has to do it for them. A woman has to understand that if she doesn’t want to pull him out of the difficulty nobody else will. Through the thick and thin of the time a woman not only has to meditate, but she has to concentrate and inspire the male to keep the relationship going. Man needs not only absolute faith, but also absolute assurance that he is loved, he’s taken care of, he can be trusted, and he’s good. You do not know these men; that is your basic problem.

There’s a very popular saying that it takes a woman, like the moon, 14 days to wax and 14 days to wane, and man does it with 14 breaths waxing and 14 breath waning, so that means every two minutes. That is a very true nature of the male. There is a second, very calculated thing. Male is a seed and he is a seeder; whether he sprouts or not depends on how much water you put on him. If you keep a seed in a dry bottle, what will you get out of it? Seed. But if you put water around it, what are you going to get? Sprout. And you can put a sprout in the earth and get a plant. And then you nurse the plant and you get a fruit. And when you open the fruit, what do you get out of it? Seeds. So if you want to multiply your earth, multiply your heaven, and multiply your grace, then you have to take care of both the seed and the seeder. Do you understand this logical and reasonable approach?

Now the problem these days is that a modern woman thinks that she and the male are equal. The woman is trying to be a male. In the Kama Shastra it says, “Woman, you are virtuous because you are a woman, and if you will not remain a woman, you will lose all your virtue.” Woman is virtuous because she is a woman, and when she does not act, think, behave, deal and understand as a woman, she is of no use to a man. You do not understand one thing as a woman: “woman-plus” is what you are needed for. Man cannot relate to you if you are just a secretary and you have no woman in it. You will never last more than three months. Men do not trust anybody who is on the lower trend of the spirit. You must understand that. There’s a very blunt saying, “Men do not marry prostitutes.” The art of sexuality is known as prostitution when you commercialize it, and it is no substitute for a woman. So if you think that by enlarging your sexual and sensual behavior you are going to win the confidence of the male, you are only acting on a very frivolous, self-destructive thought.

Actually, man needs in woman the fundamental security. You may go on counseling a woman and a man for everything, but I give you the last counsel which the Rishi Koka gives to all men and women. He says, “Times will come and times will go. Clouds will come and clouds will go. Many suns shall shine and many moons will rise, but if you both know you are a male and a female and keep the promise to be so, even God will serve you and destiny and fortune will help you.” Among male and female there is one thing and only one thing which really matters – promise to be a male and a female to each other. Every “fe” has a male and every male should have a “fe;” every star has an orbit; every orbit helps the star. The very existence of the male and female depends on the fundamental promise that the male is a male of the female, and the female is a female of a male. Neither the comfort nor the discomfort, the happiness or the unhappiness, the riches or the poverty, the strength or the weakness, the divinity or the non-divinity, the anger or the tolerance mean a thing. These are the states of emotion and self-control. But over and above that, between a man and a woman there is a single thing and that is summed up with these two sentences: “He is my man. She is my woman.” Whenever a woman doubts that he is her man she is in a state of mental mess and so it is with the man.

This sentence will take you away from all the neuroses, handicaps and depreciations of the male and female relationship: “Worship god by practicing the worship on your polarity.” The explanation of this is that if you know how to worship God you should also know how to worship your polarity who is your partner of life. Therefore it is a fundamental requirement of the woman that she should walk on the righteous path and she should see that her male partner walks on the righteous path.
1977 YB Teachings, LLC

Above Article Copyright Yogi Bhajan 2002. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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