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Summary of Question:	Crossroads At Marriage
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 3/11/2009 10:36 PM MDT

Gurfateh Ji

Firstly, I would like to request that you do not post this online.

My husband and I are dedicated Gursikhs who have a common goal of serving our Guru with all our hearts. We have been married a year. Before the marriage, we discussed many issues, but both of us decided to take the step into marriage with the aim of staying married for life. Maybe I was self-deceived into thinking that he cared for me, but months down the road he has raised the issue that he only respects me as Guruji's daughter, but cannot love me at all, as he has expended as his love for his previous 5 girlfriends.

He does not want to have a child with me( we talked about this before the marriage, but he has changed his mind since as he says he has no faith in being a good father, and as he does not want the responsibility of children). He has admitted that i do not fit his idea of someone he can be physically attracted to, and in fact has told me repeatedly that he married me only to relieve his burdens and life stresses (e.g. looking after his parents). He did not mention any of this before marriage.

He led me into thinking that he cared for me, but since his announcement that he cannot, I feel cheated as it's not my fault that I've never had a chance to experience this with any man because of my decision to commit myself to marriage only, unlike him, and his previous relationships.

He said he only loved the women in his past relationships, not me, and that love is an illusion, which I could almost agree with, as Guruji keeps stressing that.

I guess the deathblow came when he felt that he got me to be his wife too easily, and that since he never had to work for me, he doesn't appreciate me thus. He said his friends laughed in disbelief when they found out that he was marrying me, and not one that he loved.

I feel distraught and torn, as he expects me to devote my life to this marriage knowing that we will never consummate this marriage as husband and wife but live in name only, with our sewa and my work for the family being our only links. I don't know what to do, and have been praying to keep myself sane. I feel betrayed and made use of, but I don't know whether i want to to even consider divorce on to stay on in this relationship because Guruji might want me to learn ssomething out of this. I've been presenting a happy front to both our families but now i feel that I'm on the brink of despair, and even more since my husband keeps saying that I need to get a grip on my emotions.

I would like a perspective on this, as I'm at my wits' end.

Thank you for your help and time.

Guruji's Daughter

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reply
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Dear Beti, Get the marriage annulled. You do not have a marriage so do not pretend. For your sake (this is very important) leave this awkward and false relationship. If you have not consummated the marriage you can get an anullment. DO NOT HESITATE. Move on in turth. Wahe Guru tests us all.
God bless you,
SK