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Summary of Question:	Help For My Brother
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Tuesday, 7/04/2006 1:52 PM MDT

Sat Sri Akal:

My question is about my brother. I am 26 year old Sikh woman settled in the US. My younger brother, 24 years, who is a student lives in US (not too far from me) has really bad temper and way of life which I don’t approve of. He gets angry, abusive and even hits me when he is triggered. He is alone (my parents are in India) and the only person he really has is me so I feel like I need to be there for him however, he is unappreciated and his mean behaviour throws me off. Its weird but he is just this way with my family; he disrespects my parents, me and my older brother but really nice to his friends. He is also rebellious and he seems to be rebelling my parents way of life, he cut off his hair when he was 16, and he is a party animal (stays out and parties 4-5 nights a week) and is addicted to computer chat rooms and also smoking. My parents on the other hand are religious, hard working and decent loving folks who don’t deserve this.
I have always believed that showing affection and love will help him but now I am not sure how to deal with him, he is only getting worse. I was wondering how can I help him. Is there any path I can do for helping him? I really want him to follow the path of spirituality and lead a simple life.

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reply
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Sat nam. Stop. You cannot make him or anyone be what he doesn't want to be, and you certainly don't need to have him take his anger out on you. Just because you are the elder sister does NOT mean you can fix this. Children rebel, sometimes when they are adults. Guru often leads people astray as part of instruction. At 24, he is responsible for his life, and you are responsible only for yours. You cannot shield your parents from this or fix it for them.

If he is hitting you, he is dangerous. Sorry to be so harsh. Be polite, kind and loving to him, but do not enable him. Tough love: don't baby him or wait on him or pamper him. Let him look after his own needs. Moreover, the more you try to change him or 'fix' him the more rebellious he will be. So look him in the eye, tell him it's his life and he can do what he wants and you're not going to support him to be so self-destructive, and let him be. And certainly keep him in your prayers, that he may live his highest truth in Guru's grace. Guru ang sang,
-DKK