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Summary of Question:	Arranged Marriage Mistakes
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Sunday, 1/20/2008 2:47 PM MST

My husband and I were arranged several years ago. My family gave me an ultimatum to marry him or leave the house. I tried leaving but something held me back and I ended up giving in. Call it cowardly if you wish. In the course of our marriage my husband has hit me, and recently spit on me. We both are polls apart and have forced ourselves to 'get along'. His family doesn't appreciate my independence. My family doesn't agree with his dependce of him parents. Last year, without my agreement, they decided to live with us, all expense paid by us. For the sake of the marriage, i coped with it. I didn't want to come off selfish. We have two children. I would be lying if I said we never had happy moments together. Also, him and I both made honest attempts to make it work but we find ourselves at the same corner over and over again. Recently, when he spit on me during an arguement, i decided I can't go on. I won't forgive him, it is a unforgivable act. I need some guidance on any prayers I can recite to help me get through this excrutiating time. I want to remain strong for my children. I am an executive professional. I am not afraid to be a single mom but I did invest lot of time and myself in this man. Anything to help with the pain will be appreciated.

<<<<<<2nd Reply>>>>
Sat nam. The below reply is still valid. May I also recommend getting professional help, whether as a couple or individual. A trained (marriage) counselor or psychologist can be a great assist in working through such a situation. If you believe, however, that you are in great or imminent physical danger, your responsibility first is to yourself and your children, and you should make every effort to find a safe space away from your husband, whether it's a shelter for abused women or a girlfriend's or TRUSTED family member. Guru ang sang,
DK


<<<<< REPLY >>>>>

Thank you for writing to the forum. I can feel the pain in your message and it is very real. In this kind of situation, the karmas are being played out and there is an interlock between both partners. An abuser needs a victim, and someone who plays the victim, engourages abuse. The interlock is usually not conscious. So... it is time to end the abuse. First you cannot change someone else directly, but you can change yourself and you can break the interlock. Begin Sukhmani Sahib paath every day. Don't do it by rote, but listen to Guru Ji's words as you do it. Make it a priority. If you are steady in your paath, the interlock will break. Don't react to him and don't argue. When he is abusive, don't yell back at him. Just look him straight in the eye and maintain your own grace. When he feels that you cannot be manipulated... that your steadiness, grace and power as a woman is strong and unflinching, his behaviour will change. As the woman, you hold the power, not he. Remember, the center of your life is your Guru, not your husband nor your children. When your priorities are sorted and you are able to remain calm and graceful under ungraceful circumstances, then this will be resolved.

Also I recommend you do So Purkh eleven times every day, every day whilst meditating on your husband. This bani creates a sacred space in which grace prevails so as to allow the greatness of the soul to come forth. It creates a powerful state of grace and love that heals all realms of the heart and being.

Siri Singh Sahib, Yogi Bhajan, taught that if a woman recites this bani eleven times a day for any man, it has the power to make him a saint and dissolve any negativity between them. He would often give this as a sadhana to women for the men in their lives. The eleven repetitions are in addition to the one you do as part of Rehiraas.

.....G