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Summary of Question:Re: How Should A Gursikh 'Choose' A Wife?
Category:Love & Marriage
Date Posted:Monday, 6/08/2009 2:22 PM MDT

Sat Sri Akal Jee,

This is in response to "How Should A Gursikh 'Choose' A Wife?". I posted this question last week. However, I feel that you have not answered or addressed any of my questions that I have asked. If you can, can you please answer each question that I asked in that post please?

I understand that I cannot demand anything from you or I have no right to tell you what to do as you are doing a seva. But if you can, I would be forever grateful....Maybe if another person can answer the question if the original person doesnt want to answer it again, that would be good. But I really need these questions answering... if not just for guidance. It is a crucial part of any life... marriage.

Thank you for your time... apologies for any offence or hurt caused.

Thank you.

<<<<< REPLY >>>>>

My question is in regards to “choosing” your partner when being introduced to girls or when meeting girls for the purpose of getting married. I say ‘choosing’ lightly as I am sure Guru and Waheguru already know who we will be with and what is going to happen. This is already decided and written right? But obviously, we don’t know this.

Yes, there is nothing to choose. It is a matter of awareness and sensitivity. Guru Ji has already arranged it. It is a marraige of soul to soul. You cannot figure it out with your head.

>>So how should a gursikh approach this stage in his/her life? What is the ‘Sikh’ thing to do? Do you say 'yes' to the first person that agrees to marry you (providing they meet all the main requirements you are looking for in a partner. In my case, some of these are not to cut her hair, vegetarian, doesn’t smoke or drink, wants to take amrit if not already done so, fits in with the family, kind, caring, etc). There are other things I would like my partner to have, such as good understanding of the panjabi language and culture, have certain hobbies and interests, similar music tastes, etc. I guess these maybe classed as little things or maybe I am nit-picking? Is this being too greedy or wanting too much if I also would like my partner to have these things? Or should a true Sikh be humble and accept someone who says they will love you for who you are? Should a true sikh accept the first person that asks you if they can be a part of your life (providing they meet all the main requirements)?

The Gursikh thing to do is to perfect yourself in your own relationship with your Guru and consciously hand the matter of marriage over to Him.

>>If you can answer these questions individually, that would be great... and the ones below as well!

>>Also, as mentioned before, Guru has decided who we will marry… but we don’t know who that person is! So how will we know? Are we meant to know this?

Yes, you will know when you don't think about it. Knowing is the souls recognizing each other.

>>How does a hukamnama work in this scenario? E.g. If I wanted to get guidance and advice, and take a hukamnama, how will I know what a yes or no answer is? Is this a good idea?

It's always a good idea to receive Maharaj Ji's hukam. But don't assume that a yes or no question will be answered. Guru Ji tells us what we need to hear, not what we want to hear, and it is up to us to meditate on it and understand it. The meaning is not always immediately apparent.

>>If you are unsure about what to do, what is the best thing to do? Is it best to play it safe and say ‘no’ as you are not sure enough to say ‘yes’?

Wait till you know. When you know, there will be no doubt. As long as you think about it and evaluate and compare, there will always be doubt.

>>Is it wrong to say ‘no’ to someone if they want to be a part of your life and would like to be with you (assuming they are or wanting to be gursikh or on that path)?

"Be with you?" You mean get married? It's not about right or wrong... nothing is right or wrong except that thinking makes it so. What is the issue here? That you do not want to offend someone? You cannot live that way.

>>Is it wrong to look around and see what kind of people are out there or should you talk to one person at a time? I have joined various sites (including yours!) and family are also looking.

Enjoy all of God's creation. Meet everyone. Love everyone. This is not a shopping trip.

>>How important is chemistry? And how much importance should you place on a persons view on sex within marriage? Or is this something that is personal to each person?

The smell has to be enchanting. Not perfume, body smell. It is a small that you just want to smell more and more. Start there and the chemistry will be good.

>>As you can probably tell, I am totally confused… I hope you can help me clear this confusion. I just want to do what is right in the eyes of God and Guru.

Confusion is wonderful! It is a blessed state. When you are confused, then do not act. Muddy water becomes clear by sitting still. Sit still. Develop your own relationship with your Guru. Perfect yourself. No matter what a woman says, every woman wants a man of God. Remember - when the man hugs the woman she gets bored and turns away. When the man hugs God, then the woman hugs the man.

In the Name of the Guru, the Light of every Sikh, and the Holy Naam which holds the world.

humbly, .....G

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