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Summary of Question:	Family Problems
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Tuesday, 2/06/2007 9:30 AM MST

Sat Sri Akal...I've come to this online forum many times in the past and found it very helpful. My problem now..I'll explain in detail and maybe you can help me, give me some insight, tell me some path to do. I've been living in the US all my life and about a year ago I went back to India to get married. It was an arranged marriage...everything is going great in marriage...no problems there. The problem is that I came back in June of last year with my parents and my husband came here in Sept. Ever since he came here (this is his first time in the States) he is working for my dad at his business. He's working there very leniately...no pressure no forced things. The other thing is that since I got married so young I still have to finish college. That's where the financial problem comes in...so my husband and I are currently living with my parents until I finish...(which will be in about 6+ months). After my husband got here I had done phlebotomy so that it would hold us over till i get my degree in nursing. The problem is that living with my parents and younger brother...my mom is the controlling type of lady. She is always siding with my brother and putting me down...and when I tell her what and who is right she tells me that I am insulting her in front of her son-in-law. When in reality it's really her fault and I just say things because I can't stand her talking bad about me. Also, she gets my dad in on things and pumps more fuel into the fire by telling him all these lies about how bad I am and how bad I talk back to her. Believe me I'v tried my hardest to stay quiet thinking that she will eventually shut-up...but it never happens-it just gets worse. Then she goes onto saying that if I keep behaving like this that eventually my husband will leave me once he gets his permanant green card (he already has gotten his temporary). In reality my husband and I are on good terms. She keeps saying that my in-laws will treat me like crap once they find out how I was acting. She said all this happens in indian-culture that if I don't respect my parents then eventually no one else will respect me including my husband and my in-laws. It seems like whatever I do is completely wrong and whatever my brother says/does or my mom says/does is ALWAYS right. I know my husband and I are young and financially unstable so moving out on our own is out of the question right now. But, ever since Sept. I've developed depression...gained weight and am on the verge of emotional destruction. I do not know how to deal with all of this. I've tried so hard to keep quiet...but with my mom being such a motor mouth it's not working. My dad used to be such a sweet, calm, caring person...but ever since my mom telling him all this BS he's turned against me. They are very over-controlling. I don't know what to do. Oh, and I forgot to mention that my mom keeps saying that she makes food for me and my husband and she uses that as an arguement. She says I should go out and get a job...and when I try to leave the house to go apply for my phlebotomy job she tells me that she has to run errands and that I have to take her (she doesn't drive). She keeps making me miss my apointments. You're probably wondering where I take classes for college...well I take them online. So basically I'm stuck at home 24/7. I really thought that I would have some type of freedom after getting married...but it's actually worse than before. Is there some path I can do to bring some peace into this dysfunctional family situation? And is there any path that I can do to over-come my depression?? Any advice...opinions and help would be apprectiated. Thank You. WJKK...WJKF

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Reply
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Wahe Guru dear sweet one,
This is a very stressful situation for you. You do need to really self initiate your own well being.

First of all, you are too close to your family and need to plan a move out date and strategy. Secondly, since you are dependent on your family at this time you must adapt some type of disposition of sweetness so as not to excite your MOM against you. This may be the hard thing for you but spend some time catering to her and showing appreciation every day as a regimin. Never talk back to her and do find a way to show respect. This will require a big change in your mindset and attitude but this will be good for you as I explain further.

Next has 2 parts: first part is to walk briskly every day for 31 minutes chanting Mool Mantra. Even invite your Mom to join you. She may be going through menopause and feeling quite misarable and needing a lift.

Second part is to start meditating with the ONE MINUTE BREATH:You are fixated on the problems outside of yourself and not really knowing how wonderful you are and how you can uplift yourself and those around you. This you can do by caring for your inner self and creating inner balance and internal focus. WHen you have a deep meditation each day you clear out your pain and get the distance from the emotions to not get caught up in the emotionas flying around you. You can do this by incorporating the ONE MINUTE BREATH into your daily routine...for 31 minutes a day for the next 90 days.

This is available from the Youth forum........please reference it in a search. Essentially it will be 20 seconds inhale through the nose, 20 seconds hold the breath in and 20 seconds exhales the breath. The count would be to the mental chant of Sa Ta Na Ma counting from the tip of the finger plus the 3 joints including the thumb....... on 5 fingers gives you 20 counts. Eyes looking inside at the 3rd eye center. This way you do not have to count numbers but can chant with your mind as a way of keeping time.

Start this daily same time and place for 90 days. You will get clarity and your mind will calm down and you will feel better and more able to handle the challenges in your living situation. When you complete, read a hukam from your Guru or nitnem each day. You will be amazed at the awareness and composure this will bring. You will gain by meeting this challenge with mastery that will benefit your life and the next challenge.
Wahe Guru God is blessing you,
SKKK