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Summary of Question:	Feeling Lost
Category:	Other
Date Posted:	Monday, 9/12/2005 10:48 PM MDT

Waheguru ji ka khalsa - Waheguru ji ki fateh.

I have wrote before in this column sometime last year about the relationship between me and my mother-in-law. I am feeln so lost and i really don't know what to do anymore. My MIL alawys accuse me that i have bad intentions in my mind. There was an incident whereby i accidently locked the door. Suddenly i heard her voice and i freaked out and asked my son to rush look for the keys and open the door. It was 9.00 p.m. and i thaught she went off to bed. I never had intention to lock her out but the moment we opened the door she started yelling and making all sort of assumptions that i purposely locked her out. Why would i do so? I have been living with her for 10years? why would i do such a crazy thing? I was too tired that day and i could not stand her mumbling anymore and confronted her. I asked her why is she behaving like this. Why can't she talk to me nicely and ask. I have seen that she talk so nicely to her sons - my husband and my brother in law but why to me she behaves like that. I have been quiet all this while but i just can't take this anymore. When i speak to my husband he will turn around and say why can't i go upstairs if i hear her making noise. Why do i have to talk too. Did i do anything wrong by confronting her? And how long is this going to go on? I am sick and tired of this. What shall i do?

(REPLY) Sat Nam. This is such a sad situation, and I think it's not too unusual, where the Mother-in-law mistreats the Daughter-in-Law. I don't think you did anything wrong to stand up for yourself. Since you are dealing with an emotional, irrational, unkind person, and you are not getting support from your husband, I would suggest, of course that you avoid conflict with her whenever possible, and in the meantime, chant and pray to Guru Ram Das to bless her "for her kindness and sweet disposition." Send her love -- I know that seems impossible, but believe me, it will relieve you of pain in your own self - and act as a protection against her negativity. See her as a poor unfortunate irrational person, and be as kind as you can to her. Always speak respectfully and gracefully when you have to talk with her, but you have every right to protest when, if she is yelling at you. Walk away if you can, or softly, simply tell her you do not intend to be yelled at. She may never change, but at least you can grow stronger in your own self, to withstand her meanness. Whenever I'm in a situation of danger or difficulty, I chant Aad Guray Nameh, Jugaad Guray Nameh, Sat Guray Nameh, Siri Guru Devay Nameh -- and visualize Guru Nanak on my right side, (with the first phrase) Guru Angad behind me (on the second phrase) Guru Amar Das on my left side (third phrase) and Guru Ram Das in front of me all for protection. I also am wondering if in other circumstances, your husband is reasonable or unreasonable? Men find it hard to deal with wife and mother when there is discord, but I think if he's normally a sensible person, you should take some cozy opportunity to speak with him, and tell him how much you would like to get along with his mother, but she continues to make it very difficult, and you really need his support. Be very, very sweet! May God bless you, and Guru guide you, SP