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Summary of Question:	Mother-In-Law Won't Let Me Be W/My Husband
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Thursday, 1/08/2004 11:51 PM MST

hi,

i m a home maker.my husband was working in standard chartered bank,but left the job to do business.my mother in law is my problem,she acts in such a way that she creates a problem between us,my daughter s not made to sleep with me during nights,and she always sleeps in my bed room,always stay with my husband while we stay together in our room,try to take him out on the cover of business and he s also listening to her,very stubborn and as she had created a wqrong notion about my parents,he s always teasing me.but i wanted to live with him as i love him so much and he also does.he s very comfortable and converse only with his mother,i fight a lot with him to speak and take me out.all problems became worse after my delivery.even if i avoid him with no sex,he will sleep along with his mother,let them go out,she creates a scene and make us fight.she often comes and sleep with us in our room.suggest me some advice to cure and stay love with my husband.

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REPLY
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Sat Siri Akaal. Dear heart, this relationship you describe between your husband and his mother is VERY unhealthy. From my viewpoint it looks downright incestuous, which I hope is not the case.

The best thing to do is for you and him to MOVE OUT and not give your mother in law keys to your new house. The relationship between husband and wife supercedes that between son and mother. It is your mother-in-law's duty to let go BUT she will not due to her own fears and desire to control.

Your husband is also afraid of upsetting his mother. "THIRD MEHL: They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together. They alone are called husband and wife, who have one light in two bodies." This is in Siri Guru Granth Sahib, page 788. I think you need to stand up for yourself in this situation and insist to your husband that he stand up for the two of you. There is no law in scripture or anywhere else that says you have to do as your mother-in-law says. Keep this in mind. She allowed her son to marry you but disrespects you at every turn. Treat her politely but be firm and take a stand for yourself and your family.

It will not be easy. It will take great courage. Please also have girlfriends or other female relatives support you on this in principle. You need a support circle, since you don't seem to have one at home. Perhaps you are in a position to return to your parents' home, with your daughter, and make your stand from there? I realize you love your husband, yet your are not, it seems, loved equally in return. Think of your daughter and the kind of example this sets for her. Remember that our Gurus made us equal in the eyes of all. Read Sukhmani daily to keep your center. And pray daily to Guru to cover you and restore your marriage. There is no 'cure' for this situation that is quick and easy, since it will take a shift in thinking on the part of all of you.
Guru ang sang,
DKK