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Summary of Question:	How Do I Make My Family Understand How I Feel?
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 6/09/2004 4:00 PM MDT

I am 20 year old female born and raised in the US. I grew up in a very religious family both my parents and almost all of my other family are amritdhari. I my self am not. Growing up i found it very hard to fit in with them. I have always felt like I am not being myself. My parents have this idea that i am there very religious daughter and I am going to follow in thier footsteps. I am so tired of pretending to be like them. All my life i had to be pretend to be like my parents. This has made me angry. I mean I do respect my religion and have pride for it but I have also developed this internal hatred becasue I am being forced to keep my hair and pretend to be religious. My parents are having a very hard time understanding that, I just recently cut my hair very short and my parents think that I am the most emabrassing daughter. Well I have more of a statement than a question. I feel that now a days our people do not understand that you cannot force somebody to do somehting. I seen lately that the parents these days and even other adult, they feel like they have to make everyone amritdhari and religious. It just frustrates me. Now my problem is explaining all this to my parents because in their eyes I am the worst daughter.

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Sat Siri Akaal. Your parents think that form = substance. That is not true, and you understand that in yourself. If you do not wish to be a "devout" or "perfect" or "religious" Gursikh, that is indeed your choice and Guru would never want to force you; remember WHY Guru Tegh Bahadur died! Faith and devotion come from the HEART, not from the mind and not from 'looking' the part. Your parents are upset that you have rejected (at some level, you have indeed rejected) Sikhi, but I know from rejecting my parents faith to become Sikh that one thing that plagues them is "where did we go wrong". (I get along fine with my parents now.) So, perhaps you can stop being so very rebellious and for a moment see it from their eyes and soothe their hurt feelings that say rejecting Sikhi or baptism is NOT a rejection of THEM.

A Gursikhi is not a Gursikh because of her birth, your parents only need to read the words of Nanak to be reminded of this. A Gursikh is known by what she does, not how she looks. Meanwhile, try to see from their eyes that (besides the embarrasment they feel) that they are judging themselves and being or feeling judged by the local Sikh community which somehow feels it has a right to determine how good a person is or is not by their perceived Sikhness. You will not be able to 'make them understand' but you can be compassionate and loving in the other ways a daughter is to one's parents.

WHich leads to my questions for you: are you rejecting Sikhi or rejecting them? If you don't self-identify as Sikh or with what being a Sikh involves, fine, but be clear WITHIN yourself of your motivations and problems with it. That self-clarity will help you and them in the long run. Be HONEST with yourself, OK? And leave an opening in your heart for a time and space where the anger subsides and you can be Sikh or whatever faith honestly and without a sense of being burdened or forced. Guru ang sang always,
-DKK