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Summary of Question:	My Relationship With My Hubby
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Friday, 11/10/2006 9:09 AM MST

Sat Sri Akal:

I am a new wed, been married for about a year in Canada. I am very confused about my husband, who is a turbaned, amritdhari Sikh from Canada. I knew my husband almost 8 months before we got married and during our courtship, he appeared to be very independent and self reliant person, I didn’t meet his parents until our engagement and he said that he didn’t need his parents to meet me because they trust his decision. This was the most important quality which attracted me to him, I am very independent and I have been living alone in North America away from my family (from India) since the age of 19. Although I respect and love my parents dearly and value their opinions however at the end of the day I take my decisions.
After marriage my husband seems to have changed a lot. He didn’t tell me that he discusses everything with his family but I found out while talking to his mom that she knew everything about our lives, our secrets and fights, although she lives in a different city in Canada. He discusses the reason of our fights/ arguments with his family, He even some of my secrets which I disclosed to my husband and asked him to keep it confidential. He tells me she means a lot but I am having a hard time believing that he would have to tell his mom everything to prove his love for his mom. Another thing is he is very protective about his mom, she lives in a different city and she calls everyday and I find her very nosy and over bearing. Every time I try bringing this up with my husband he takes it as his personal insult and is up in arms against me. I tried talking to him several times about my values and my needs in this relationship but I don’t think I can reach out to him anymore.
I believe truthfulness is the groundwork for a good marriage. I am sad and hurt that my husband is not being truthful to me and wouldn’t even confess or talk to me about it.
I feel like I dont mean to much to him, why else would he not care for my values?. For him his family is his priority (which is great) but I don’t think he considers me to be his family like the other day we got into a small argument on the phone and he got really upset and yelled at me "my mom, dad and my brother are my family not you", may be it was just anger but it still hurts that 1 year into marriage and I am still an outsider for my husband.
I love him very much but I am not sure I know him anymore. He is not the same person I married. How do I reach out to him or make his work with him.

Thank you for your help

(REPLY) Sat Nam. So sorry for your disappointment and the way your husband is behaving. Best advice I can give is what Guru Nanak gave to the women who came to him complaining about their husbands, and that is, "Recite the SOPURKH section of Rehiras." Do this 11 times a day for 40 days and see what happens. Meanwhile, pull back from the arguments, and just be sweet and quiet and mentally bless you husband -- and his family! whenever you think of them! I know it's hard not to resent and feel bitter, but the power of your thoughts and prayers can be enormous. Use positive thinking, positive affirmation, and even -- when thinking of someone who has treated you badly, say silently "I love you, I forgive you." This may change them, but at the very least it will make you feel better! It works. Blessings, SP