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Summary of Question:	Marrying A Girl Who's Not A Virgin?
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 10/13/2004 10:10 AM MDT

VAheguru je ka khalsa VAheguru je ki fateh.

PLease answer my question..

I am due to marry a girl, before going any further i would like to state i am amritdhari and so was she! We were introduced through our parents and engaged, having got to know her via the telephone, (as you do!) she told me she had a boyfriend in the past who she was no longer with, she had slept w/him also and wanted to tell me some months later about her past as she wanted to be honest with me. I dont think i will ever be able to forget this, i havent ended the relationship yet although have told my parents and they now disprove of her.

I feel guilty if i end the relationship but dont think i could live with a girl whom i believed was amritdhari when infact she clearly is not - would i be wrong to end it now?

It also concerns me that she kept this relationship of hers with her boyfriend a secret for 3 years so would i be wrong in thinking if she can betray her parents whom she supposedly loves them she can very easily betray me later in life?

A prompt response would be very much appreciated as thi smatter is still on going and i need advice as to what to do .....please.

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reply
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Sat Siri Akaal. Frankly, she would put herself in a horrible position with her parents if she told them, so not doing so was probably out of self-preservation. Young women have no standing if they are not exactly what their parents or husbands expect them to be, and she couldn't take that risk.

It seems to me she didn't feel she could trust you to UNDERSTAND until you had gotten to know each other, which may be why she took 3 years to tell you. See it from her perspective: Would you have given her the time of day if she had told you the first time you spoke? ALSO, was she amritdhari when she slept with him? If she was, she should take amrit again and start over in any event, but if she wasn't then no vow was broken. Also nothing in Sikhi or the Guru Gobind Singh's Rehit says you have to be a virgin to marry, despite what many people think.

Now that you have told her parents, she is stained in their eyes. I would like to say you should follow your heart not your idea of perfection, but if the two of your are going to live with your parents, she will be miserable since she will probably be treated as untrustworthy or as trash, and you will not be able to ask your parents to stop since that will affect your position with them. This youth forum is full of the angst of young married women whose in-laws treat them horribly and whose husbands stand by and watch. Don't do that to her, she doesn't deserve to pay for such a mistake for the rest of her life. No one does! Do you think she doesn't already regret it?

The two of you need to have an honest and open talk without anyone else in the room and decide a mutual course of action. IF you decide to break it off, do not let this single mistake of hers be known as the public reason for the breakup. Finally, if you do choose to marry, then consider this as a new road for the BOTH of you and both of you let your pasts go. Guru ang sang.
-DKK