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Summary of Question:My Wife Lied To Me
Category:Love & Marriage
Date Posted:Saturday, 4/03/2010 7:02 PM MDT

I wont go into too much detail but i got married a year ago and things seemed amazing. I waited until marriage and then my wife tells me she cant live with the guilt. She confesses to me that she had a boyfriend before marriage and they had sex. Suffice to say i was shocked and devastated. Prior to our marriage I informed her that i was a virgin and only wanted to marry a girl who was also the same. She, at the time, told me she was. At the moment i am in shock and cant bring myself to look at her. she keeps on crying and begging me to forgive her but i cant accept the betrayal. I dont know what to do.


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REPLY
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Sat Nam,

You should have started your letter by saying "My Wife Told Me The Truth"
You can't forget that telling the truth no matter how horrible it may be is a sign of love and trust. NOT betrayal.
If your wife did not care for you she would have let you believe what you wanted to believe for the rest of your life. And you would have lived with a lie for ever. Now you have a chance to build a relationship from scratch based on honesty and mutual acceptance.

Believe it or not this is a very big lesson for you. You have to understand that whether she had sex with someone else or not she is still the same person, no better or worse by no means. But the fact that she still found the courage to tell you the truth and found it important that you know says that she does not want to betray you for the rest of your life. And it shows quite an admirable quality in her.
Too bad you had to find out this way, but she must love you that much not to want to keep secrets from you and that makes you a very lucky man.

If you make her feel bad about this now you are risking of her never trusting you again and your relationship will for ever be based on a lie.
If you could find it in yourself to forgive her and let this thing between you go .... and stop making her feel bad about it ... she may develop deeper trust for you and will never lie again.

Everything is in your hands right now. It can go either way. If you talk to her honestly and find it in your heart to forgive and move on in the most loving way than this incident will only work for you not against you.
Unpleasant situations, if handled gracefully with respect and mutual understanding will only make a marriage stronger.
There maybe other things later on in your long life that will make your life a lot more difficult than it is right now. If you find a way together to get past them in a loving and respectful way with open, honest communication and full disclosure of your feelings in a none judgmental, none violent and honest way ... things will be a lot easier down the line.
If she can't come to you and be honest, then there is no one else out there she can be truly honest with. Build the trust now from this moment forward.

DWK



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