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Summary of Question:	Husband's Second Affair After 16 Years Of Marriage
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Tuesday, 9/09/2003 4:58 PM MDT

Eleven years ago my husband had an affair. He ended it and I forgave him as he felt absolutely terrible for his actions. In June of this year we moved from our home town to my husband's dream house that was built just for us. Recently, I found out he's been having another affair since last summer, plus he told his girlfriend he was divorced, and lived at our new home by himself. He was devestated when he knew I found out about the affair. He begged, cried "a lot", and pleaded with me. He's so embarassed by his actions that he's leaving his job of 14 years to move completely out of the area. He wants me to move with him once we've saved enough money. My concern: He is treating me so badly, I'm beside myself. He swears at me, cuts me down, and degrades me every chance he gets, but does not want a divorce. What am I to think? One minute he's very loving, and the next he's completely opposite. Am I an idiot for staying with him once again. He tells me no one will ever want me any way cuz I'm damaged goods. My family/kids/friends all tell me to just let go and go forward, don't look back. What do you think?

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REPLY
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Sat Siri Akaal. FROM WHAT YOU SAY HERE:
My initial reaction is with your family/kids/friends. Lose him. Sounds like you won't get any resistance except from him. He knows that you are of two minds of this and he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
My second reaction is require him to get counseling WITH you as a condition of staying together. BTW, he sounds like he may be manic/depressive or have some mental condition that takes you both on these ups & downs. Or he may be on drugs (sorry, but that kind of manipulation you describe is also a sign of drug use).
But really, you have to ask yourself what do you want? Is he worth the effort? Can your marriage really be saved? After all this time, do you think he can be trusted to stay monogamous? What kind of spiritual practice does he have? What kind of practice do you have? What is the real basis of your marriage? Is it God and Guru or something else?
Also, if he is abusing you as you describe, do you want this? What kind of self-respect do you have for yourself that you allow that? What are you afraid of? Please consider counseling for yourself. This Forum cannot answer your questions, but I hope I have given you food for thought. God bless and protect you,
-DKK