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Summary of Question:	Dad Doesn't Make Sense
Category:	Other
Date Posted:	Sunday, 1/02/2005 12:19 PM MST

I need some advice for my mom and dad. My mom is always trying to make us the best we can be as sikhs. She takes us to the guruduwara every Friday. On Saturday and Sunday, we go to Punjabi school and now me and my brother know punjabi and Gurmukhi very well. As well as that we take Kirtan lessons on Saturdays and go to tutoring on Tuesdays and Thursdays. My point is my mom is always running around for us. My dad, on the other hand goes to work and I understand that since he owns his owns business he can not take us to all those places. However, he can atleast appreciate what my mom does for us....that he doesn't. He is always telling us, oh look, I studied for years and I have everything materialistic but I don't have peace, that is, do to not being connected to Sikhi. He tells us he wants us to be proper sikhs and learn about sikh culture. He says we should respect eachother and especially our elders. That is all fine and he is right. But at the same time he doesn't want us to go to Gurduwaras, Punjabi school, or Kirtan classes. This has nothing to do with money because the only things we have to pay for are tutoring and kirtan and he can handle that. Also, it has nothing to do with safety or anything because if we ask for him to come along he doesn't. How can he say we have to be proper sikhs and all when he himself doesn't make any effort for us to be proper sikhs. Another thing is that he has cut hair. We ask him a lot to keep it. He just nods his head and changes the subject. He says he had to cut his hair when he came to Canada because it was to hard to take care of and it was hard to find a job. But now he can, just doesn't want to. Sorry got off track. I KNOW HE will one day find out on his own and he wants us to be good people, that is why he tells us all these things.

Two days ago, on New Years Eve, my mom, my brother and I went to a Kirtan held by the AKJ. I really enjoyed it. We came home around 4:00a.m and my dad was furious. He was really mad and kept on swearing to my mom. That really upset me. It's not like we were somewhere bad. We were at the guruduwara and we called him several times to tell him we'd be home soon. Then when we came home this is what he does. It's like he enjoys starting a fight and does it on purpose.

Also, this isn't the first incident. It happens all the time. It really annoys me and it can be over the dummest things. My dad always yells at my mom saying she doesn't respect his mom and dad, yet he's the one that bad mouths my mom's relatives and family. My mom has never hurt anyone's feelings and she still is nice to my dad. I still love my dad, him being my dad and all, but he needs to straighten up his act. My mom's family always sends him stuff but he doesn't appreciate it a bit. For example, my aunt (my mom's sister) helped my dad financially a lot, and now he doesn't talk to her at all and whenever she comes over, he treats her like she's nothing. He wouldn't be where he is now without her. This situation really bothers me. My mom isn't in very good physical condition and my dad's rampages don't help. Also I just want to mention he doesn't drink so that has nothing to do with the problem.

I was wondering if you could help me, give me some advice. It would really help. I do ardaas every morning for my dad but I haven't seen no difference. I have tried to be patient but it's too hard. Also I have already tried to talk with my dad but he just yells at me and says who are you to tell me what to do, I'm older than you and I know what's right, you don't, then he just punishes me. Fine he knows what's right but I know he's wrong. Can you help?

(REPLY) Sat Nam. I don't think anyone can help you in this situation. It seems to me that your Dad is confused and conflicted within himself. Probably feels guilty for having cut his hair, but would never admit it. Often people take out their frustrations on others, and you seem to be in the line of fire. I doubt if you can ever change him. Actually, we can't change other people. they are the way they are, and they are working out their own karma, for better or worse. The only thing we can change or control is our own thoughts and feelings, and so, I suggest of course you continue to love your dad, but don't argue with him, and don't stop going to Gurdwara, doing Kirtan, etc. Be patient, and especially be extra loving and appreciative to your mother to support her as much as you can emotionally. You will not be under your father's roof forever, so just keep up in the meantime, and pray for harmony in your home -- know that life is filled with challenges, and not everything is smooth (obviously!) but what is important is for you to maintain your commitment to living as a Sikh. May God and Guru bless you with courage and wisdom, SP