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Summary of Question:	Loving In A Marriage
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 12/20/2006 8:12 AM MST

Hello moderators.

I have a question about love and attachment and how we should be when in a relationship with our husbands and wife. I am conflicted and some what confused about these two things. My fiancé is of a very spiritual nature, always seeking truth and believes that without truth we are really lost. I often feel that his level of spirituality far exceeds mine, but I have noticed something else. From the time that we have been together (some 3 years) he has always told me ‘don’t get attached’ OR that “one should never be attached”. And I feel as though in making such a constant effort not to get attached, he distances himself from me and our relationship, and as a result I often feel that we lack intimacy in our relationship. On one hand I can understand and agree that SGGS says that attachments are temporary and so are the relationships with our parents, friends, spouses and siblings. But then on the other hand, these relationships do exist, and in fact guru ji has emphasized on these relationships and there importance.
According to my fiancé, he likes the space he keeps around himself as it allows him no get attached, but on the receiving end of this space I feel as though its a wall between us, keeping us from getting close. It worries that we are going to be spending our lives together, there is this distance between us. Its not that he doesn’t want intimacy or closeness in relationship, but it seems that he is not willing to do it at the cost of getting attached. He too notices that there is some thing missing in our relationship, and we have both concluded that its likely the lack of closeness, which results in us not having a solid foundation in our relationship.

I wonder if I am flawed in my thinking, am I looking for attachment and think thats love, how do we overcome this, how do i explain to him that showing affections and being close to some one doesn’t go against what our guru says, and that we need this closeness inorder to make it.

Please advise.
Thanks
Kiran

(REPLY) Sat Nam. You seem to understand exactly where your husband's thinking is "off." It is possible to love without being "attached." But non-attachment is not detachment. By setting up a wall between you, he is denying both of you the joy and pleasure of what marriage is supposed to be! The divine union of two bodies with one soul. Guru Nanak advised his disciples that marriage was the ideal way for Sikhs to live. If you can each see the God in each other, then the problem of attachment will dissolve. Meditating together, chanting God's name together, reading banis together are recommended. And, because you have the power of WOMAN, you might want to make it a practice to recite the "SoPurkh" setion of Rehiras 11 times every day. And pray for the ideal relationship between you and your husband. I have heard wonderful results from women who have tried this. May God and Guru bless you and guide you. SP