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| Summary of Question: | Beyond Forgiveness? |
| Category: | Other |
| Date Posted: | Thursday, 10/28/2004 3:02 AM MDT |
i am a 16-year old boy living in australia. throughout my teenage life, i lived an average life.. doing the normal things teenagers do. also, some things normal teenagers dont do. ive commited theft, lied through my teeth, swindled, assaulted, and tormented other kids, and a couple of more unmentionable things.. after some time i started to feel more and more guilty, and tried as best as i could to stop these things. i would pray occasionally, but if i were to be honest with myself id admit it was only due to the guilt factor and wanting forgiveness from god, as i have always been taught about karma, and that we recieve in some way whatever we throw into the world.
immodestly, i will god has been kind enough to grant me many abilities, and amongst them.. the ability which is both a gift, and a curse... namely manipulation. somehow through the years ive gotten through all kinds of things by manipulating people and twisting them to suit my needs. to me it was all a game, and i used to be proud of being able to do these kind of things. recently, i pulled the worst, absolutely worst ever thing possible... i did it to my family.
my parents are both gursikhs, and so are their entire respective families. cutting hair has always been a taboo in my family. as i was growing up, all my friends cut their hair one by one in order to fit in, and in order to get girls etc. i too, wanted to not be left out. but through a mixture of reluctance, obediance to my family and as fake as it sounds, a measure of pride as i somehow seemed to be the only turbaned boy around who could make it work for me in society. i was of two minds.. happy and proud to be what i was, yet longing to see the other side .. the mona life. but it was unfathomable for me to walk that path, due to my family restrictions. but i was okay with that. sometimes in life what we want is not necessarily what is good for us..
then recently something inside me changed. i stareted telling myself 'whats the point.. theres turbaned guys i know who smoke and drink and visit prostitutes, and theres mona guys i know who are absolute decent guys...' and i wavered a little. then my grandfather got cancer, and he's a very pious man. i wavered more...eventually all the old issues which i thought had been removed from my mind.. like looking good for the girls etc started niggling at my mind. ... and thus i put into motion a plan. i loved my family too much to go to the barber one day without any good explanation. so over the months i slowly, subtly started incorporating signs of non-belief in god. i used all kinds of tricks and ways.. and eventually i got my hair cut and the family, though undeniably sad and disappointed, nowhere near as bad as my other friends who just went and got it cut off...
today, i sit here at this computer and type all this because i have nowhere else to go. i know my mother who now has to fend off all my family members will eventually get over the fact of what ive done. my sister who hates me now and refuses to speak to me..will someday get over it. but my concience wont let me rest. i tricked and lied to my family to get what i wanted.. in order to dampen the impact on them when i did what i did. throughout my life ive done this kind of thing..always for my own personal benefit. i guess even now im doing it for my own personal benefit...for all my faults, i love my family very very much, and their pain is my pain. i dampen their pain to dampen my own pain.. i have made a vow to end with this sort of life, and that i will lie no more. and i mean to keep it. but i cannot change what i have done, and i fear the sins i have accumalated over the years, cumulating with my most recent ones... put me beyond forgiveness. if i were god i wouldnt forgive myself.
i feel even worse when i try and pray, because part of me tells me that its worthless prayer, and im doing it only to make myself feel better and make the guilt go away. i know deep inside me, i may have gotten away in a sense with everything ive done, but im gona pay for it. and pay a lot.. tell me, honestly. am i beyond forgiveness?
(REPLY) Sat Nam. That means: TRUTH IS YOUR IDENTITY, (which I'm sure you already know.) What ever you have done, you have done, and you are suffering the results of that karma now through your guilt and the realization of how much you have hurt others. The question is not whether you are "beyond forgiveness," but rather are you really going to transform your life from this moment onward? That is what is really important. There is a true story of a man who was a dacoit (robber, murderer) who met a holy man who transformed his life, and the former criminal became a saint. His name was Milarepa. Your past actions brought you to this point in time. Your actions from this moment forward will affect your future. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and stop expecting anyone else to make you feel better about your life. If you want to be happy, then serve others -- selflessly -- and live as a GurSikh, and follow the dictates of Guru Gobind Singh and live as Khalsa. Let your life be an example, instead of a warning, to others. the choice is yours. Blessings, SP
Beyond Forgiveness? (10/28/2004)