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|Summary of Question:
|Decision On A Potential Life Partner
|Love & Marriage
|Monday, 6/22/2009 2:47 PM MDT
Waheguru Jee Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Jee Kee Fateh.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the valuable advice you dispense and this service that you provide to the sangat. May GOD bless all of you moderators. I have searched the forum and I haven't come across the exact same situation that I find myself in.
I am now in my late 30's never been married. I have had a past relationship which lasted 5 years with no sex. I demand that my wife be a virgin because she will be getting the same in return. This is the reason that I have stayed a virgin because I expect this in return. This is not to say that I am an angel and that I have done nothing, but I have not had sex (which is the easiest thing to do now a days). The dilemna I face is that I have found a potential life partner who has had 2 previous partners and this is the only factor standing in the way. Everything else is perfect, but I am really having a difficult time overlooking this. 10 years ago this would be a no-brainer of a decision but I am now almost 40 and at this age there does not seem to be much choice if you want to get married. I now feel that I made mistakes by not sleeping with all the women that came my way and I feel kind of jilted that I may not never get in return what I am bringing. This is a deal breaker for me. If I had engaged in pre-marital intercourse, maybe I would be more accepting, but I don't think I should have to settle for anything less, but as I said, I am almost 40 and time is ticking. Please help with some guidance (I know it should come from within) but I could use some perspective. Thank you very much.
P.S A quick reply would be appreciated as I need to make the decision for both of our sake. Thanks again.
Sat Nam Moon Ray,
I think this is quite an interesting issue that you are bringing up. Most people in this modern world do now think they way you do.
Yes, it is best to look at a marriage as a contract but all relationships are about a compromise. You have to look at what the other person is bringing into a relationship instead. Is she bringing something into it that you can not match and give her back? I bet there are plenty of things you would be gaining from her that you could not possibly match up to. And that is why we look for a partner. We are looking for someone to complete us, not to be exactly like us.
There are other things you have to consider. Some women may not like the fact that you are a virgin, especially at your age. So this may not even be as or any value to her. It may speak of your inexperience in relationships. It may say that perhaps you were not a caring person that you never wanted to give that part of yourself to someone. Or that you have difficulties committing to someone. It may say to her that you may have intimacy issues and she may have a hard time seeing you open up to her fully.
Of course there are benefits to being the only one you have ever been with for the other person, but most of the time that is a lot more important earlier in life. And you said it your self that you have done other things but not the conventional sex. So that this means that you preserved yourself completely pure just because you never had intercourse?
It is nice to bring purity into a relationship when you bring the purity of your intensions or purity or your heart, or purity of your spiritual practice, those are also very valuable things to have. Please don't overestimate anything at all that you are bringing into this relationship. The more you bring the better but no one thing is more important than the other.
You really have to see the bigger picture of everything you are together and what kind of a union you will produce by joining. How can you harmonize everything both of you have to offer into a beautiful lasting relationship?
And if none of this seems to be compelling to you think about forgiveness. It is always easier to forgive yourself for your own short comings if you can forgive the other person first.
A marriage is not about what you get out of it, but what you would like to give to the other person to see how their life can be improved with you in it.
Have a wonderful day and I hope that this woman is everything else to you that you ever wanted and not just the one thing you brought up here.