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Summary of Question:	Problems
Category:	Other
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 5/10/2000 12:20 AM MDT

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh.

I have a problem and I appreciate your help in allowing me to deal with it.

My brother was out of town for a few months and he just returned recently. I was looking forward to his return, but now I realize how I feel about myself and act when he's around, and I don't like it.

I know we've got this thing in my family where we're quick to criticize each other. I'm no angel and though I remember not doing it when he was gone, upon his return, I notice that I criticize him a lot. I'm not justifying my action, but I think this is just a defensive mechanism. I mean he teases me quite a lot and I basically feel pretty worthless and inferior around the guy. And in retrospect, that's how it's always been. It's not right of me to pick fault in him, and I've been trying to stop thinking negatively (and apply the principles of gurbani), and it's been pretty hard. But I have been trying. I guess he's picked up on that, and actually he was rather surprised that I go to the gurdwara as often as I do and do paath/meditation regularly (I'm not showing off... to say i'm not doing enough is a severe understatement). Anyway, point being, since I've become more into Sikhism, I noticed that he regularly makes comments like, "You claim to be religious and holy, but all you do is criticize."

The thing is, I'm pretty sensitive to things like that, and I know I shouldn't be such a hypocrite. The truth is, I have been trying to be less critical and compared to before, I'm an angel (relatively speaking, of course). I just don't know what to do about his comments. I mean, when he says stuff like, "You CLAIM to be religious..." etc., it really does hit me hard. I haven't claimed to be anything to anyone. I mean I'm trying to unearth my natural connection with God (my brother claims to be an atheist on the other hand). It's just that comments like the ones my brother makes make me feel like any progress I have made is gone, and that my connection with God is broken. As I've stated before, I'm not completely free of fault, but it's just that our relationship is more negative than positive, and it's revealed its ugly head as a hindrance to my ability to be a good Sikh.

I don't know what to do. When I see my brother, I feel like the most useless and hypocritical person around. If I don't run into him, I'm fine (my relationships with all other family members are fine) but when I do, I block up and DO become a hypocrite (as I do not maintain the calm/positivity that I normally do around others). And then his comments just pierce my heart. When I came back from the gurdwara tonight, I was calm and in a state of post-bliss. Then he made another rude "you're a hypocrite you self-righteous thing" type comment. I'm not lying when I say I don't claim to be anything. I mean, in comparison, I don't even have the ounce of virtue to call myself a good Sikh. What should I do? THis is really bothering me, and I don't want to become a victim to my own self-directed anger.

Thanks for listening, and I appreciate all your help.

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REPLY
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Dear One:

Sat Siri Akaal. Your brother sounds like HE is the one who is insecure. I believe you are unintentionally making him uncomfortable because you CHOOSE to be Sikh and observe Sikh practices, and he does not/has not. So he is cutting you down in order to make himself feel better. This is too bad, indeed, for it only causes pain in both of you.

I might add that he is trying to 'get a rise out of you' as my father used to tell me about my brothers, since I was their only sister. It took me years, but I finally learned that if I ignored them and did not show pain or upset at their unkindnesses, they actually stopped, because it gave them no self-satisfaction! Now that we are grown (and as the only Sikh in the family), I get nothing but respect from them.

Do your best to be calm and mentally chant Waheguru Satnam 10 times before reacting to his unkind remarks. Depending on him and your relationship, you might want to confront him a little bit about it, and ask him why he must be so rude to you when you are not trying to make him look bad. You are who you are, he is who he is. Ask him why he has to make an issue of it.

If you do not feel you can say anything, by no means should you stop your practice of Sikhi. Turn it over to Waheguru and ask him to ease the situation. At the same time, constantly forgive your brother in your heart for his rudeness to you. It is a test not unlike the tests our ancestors underwent, although they were killed for devotion. Remember these sacrifices that make up our history, that have allowed us to be Sikh today, and understand that you yourself are being tested in your resolve to keep your bani, bana, and simran.

God bless you!
-DKK