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Summary of Question:	Terminal illness and marriage
Category:	Other
Date Posted:	Friday, 10/22/1999 12:27 PM MDT

Dear All,

Can someone please give me some advice. You see I am stuck in a bit of a dilemma,a few months ago I discovered that my mother has cancer and she may not have long to live. However, the thing is I have two brothers and as being a male myself we are an all male family, my mother feels that it is time for me to get married, I feel that the only reason why my mother wants me to get married is so that there is another woman in the house. Personally, I feel that I may not be quite ready to get married, because of the whole situation and I feel that I may be coaxed into getting married because of the family situation. My mother has told me that this is one of her last wishes as she may not have long, then she tells me it's my own choice, as my mother has brought me up, I kind of feel obliged to get married. I tell her what if the marriage does not work out and she tells me "you never know it might be blessing in disguise, you are right age to get married and don't be so negative",she starts crying and tells me she m


ight not have long, then she tells me it my own choice. As I feel obliged, she contacts my aunty in India to look for a few girls and a few photographs get sent,I then get told to take my time, so I say I think about and then I get told not to think too long, my mum wants me to go to India and get engaged ther and then very quickly, because she has not got long. I feel that I am getting married to keep my mother and family happy, and not for myself and I should feel that I should get married for me, on the other hand my mother has not got long and if I cannot fulfil her last wish, I may feel guilty for the rest of my life, but if I get married in a rush, I may make the wrong decision and ruin the rest of my life because of my mother's wish. I will do anything for my mother, but I don't know about this. My mother is quite religious and does path every day, what does Gurbani say about matters such as this, I would very much appreciate if you can help me.

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa
Waheguru Ji Ke Fateh

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Reply
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So sorry to hear about your mother's illness. May she find great peace of mind and contentment in her own relationship with Guru and with Path.

Siri Guru Granth Sahib has many things to say about family. Why not download a copy to the computer you use for Sikhnet (if you have the right and privilege to do that) and do a search on the word <family>. You will learn alot.

A copy in English in Microsoft Word (where you can do word searches on any subject you choose) can be downloaded from http://www.sikhnet.com/sikhnet/register.nsf/p/GuruGranthSahib!OpenDocument&ExpandSection=2#_Section2.

Many times our Guru answers our questions in ways that don't agree with how we would wish them to be. The reality of Guru's Wisdom oftentimes doesn't agree with our own convenience and desires (or the convenience and desires of others). Then you can choose: do it the Guru's way or do it your own way. Guru's way is graceful and leads to elevation and liberation. Our own emotional, egocentric way leads to the sad state of a manmukh and to our own detriment and downfall. That is the choice.

I did a search on family, and very quickly came to this following passage:

<Beholding your family, you are lured away by emotional attachment,
but when you leave, they will not go with you.
Serving the True Guru, I have found the Treasure of Excellence.
Its value cannot be estimated. The Dear Lord God is my Best Friend.
In the end, He shall be my Companion and Support.>

If you focus on your connection with Guru, then if you remain single for now you can be content and confident. And, if you focus on Guru and you get married to one who is also devoted to Guru's grace and God's will, then you can also be content and confident. If you focus on pleasing the emotional requirements of anyone else at the expense of feeling the gracefulness of your Guru, you will be unhappy.

Certainly your mother wants the best for you, her beloved son. But there is a time when the parent must release and trust in Guru's grace that the best will come when it is the right time. If, in your heart you know that it isn't yet the right time to be married, then listen to your heart and your conscience. Inspire others to respect the fact that Truth doesn't flow according to our timetables and expected convenience. Be solid and stable that Guruji is your guide and protector, and ask Him to guide you to marry a devoted daughter of His when it is His will and blessing for it to happen. Then be very patient and confident that whatever comes, that is exactly His will, and that His will is sweet. Even Guru Arjan Dev ji, under conditions of long and extreme torture, could look to the Infinite and say, <Your Will is sweet, O Lord>.

Many blessings to you, your mother and your family as you walk together within the drama of Guru's Dharma.

Humbly,
Krishna Singh Khalsa