Previous

Next

Ask a Question

Summary of Question:	Urgent Advice For A Deeply Unhappy Person Before It Is Too Late
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Thursday, 7/12/2007 2:01 PM MDT

Please can you reply to this post as I posted it a long time ago but have not receive a reply.

Urgent Advice for a deeply unhappy person before it's too late

Love & Marriage

Please do not post this on your site (if possible) as I am concerned it will be identifiable to those in question on your site. Please just email me the reply (if possible).

I hope you can offer some advice. Please forgive the length of this text as unless I fully describe the suffering you may not be able to offer the best advice.

My uncle has been married for many years now and has children (still at school and university). My relative has had a difficult life for many years now and has not broken his wedding vows but he is now saying that he wants to. His partner does not offer him the love and mutual respect that any human being should have in a marriage. She lives as she did before she was married as though he does not exist. She has the status of being married with children but does not act so. I am amazed at how her parents can allow this and why she has not been told and brought up to understand that when you get married you have to change and focus on your husband and family that side. Obviously there is poor upbringing or a combination of my auntie’s family never seeing her as doing any wrong as though she is totally innocent.

She is obviously good at manipulation of people especially her family thereby her getting them onside. This in my opinion is very wrong and unjust. Obviously over the years this biased support has remained and developed and I am sure the time when she left and went back to her parents was the stepping stone that started it. Psychologically she accepted to come back - like an admission that he was wrong when really he was not and was thinking of his child at that time many many years ago. This then strengthed her position to do what she wanted as he then had the FEAR that she would leave again.

Many years ago his wife actually left and went to her parents to stay as there were obviously problems. She came back as they had a child at this time. Apparently he told me for the sake of the child he kept the marriage together.

My auntie is only interested in her side of the family and is heavily influenced by them, particularly her brother so I have been told. She does not discuss things with her husband and does whatever she wants and things they say and advise and visits her family whenever. He just has no say or input and is treated with little worth. Therefore he has now become like that in that he does not tell her anything. The kids (my cousins) only really know my auntie's side of the family because she only exposes them that side.

The only time my uncle see's his side of the family is when he goes to visit them, obviously on his own because his wife does not bother to go and neither do the kids. They are forever glued to the TV or only socialising with my aunties side of the family. My other uncles and aunties don't visit him because apparently everytime they have done in the past they are accused of making trouble by my auntie (his wife). This may or may not be true I don't know but I am sure it is because they are saying tidy up, keep the house tidy etc. I know myself that the house in a right mess all the time. The kids are very untidy. They leave things all over the place, never tidy up. Every single area of the house is a mess. I am guessing my auntie does not take kindly to people telling her things and gets offended. To be honest I would say everyone is messy and do not keep their home tidy.

He has said that I am the only person who goes to visit him and he respects me because my attitude is that I am not going to stop visiting him whether I am made to feel welcome by my auntie or not which to be honest she never really initiates a conversation or asks about me or my family etc which as an elder person to me I think she should. I do get the feeling that she does not like me visiting there. There's no warm feeling or happy to see you attitude. However like my attitude is I have gone to see my uncle and I will not stop visiting as long as he still wants me there. I have said to him and other family members that by you not visiting my uncle at all, you are allowing my auntie to win. You are making it far too easy for him to be isolated and vulnerable. He himself agrees with me. Apparently when I visit he says she is on her best behaviour. I am not stupid nor biased I believe they are both communicating poorly and are frustrated with each others behaviour.

He became ill with a very rare skin condition many years ago and has suffered for it. He still has this condition but it has improved. It still however affects his life and he has to take regular medicine etc.

He had to take a retirement package as he was off work for well over a year due to his condition and his job was such that he had to be at the office. He had a very good job and was very respected in his position and he feels very upset about having to lose his job.

He is very vulnerable and I know he feels it because of how his life has panned out and obviously past and current events and how well supported his wife is by her family. I really feel for him and I so desperately want to do all I can to help and lift him back into happiness.

Obviously I am sure he is now behaving in general towards her differently because over the years her behaviour, neglect etc have made it so. Therefore the communication, understanding, compromise the foundation of marriage has collapsed which is very sad.

There are obviously faults in both but probably more so in her.

His wife apparently does paart
He does paart

He feels life has past him by and as he reflects he is deeply unhappy, lonely and feels neglected. He feels helpless. He even believes he will die soon and he is not that old. He is a very negative person and when you talk to him you can tell straight away. He sees no positives in anything only problems not solutions.

Recently he has started saying things like he's probably going to have to go for divorce. My immediate response to that was no do not do that (even though I know how tormented he feels in his marriage). I regularly try and lift his spirits when I talk to him. I visit him whenever I can and keep in touch as much as possible. I say to him keep the faith. Also you are blessed with a daughter and two sons. He lives a long way from me so visiting him and socialising regularly is difficult.

Please can you advise on what I can do to help and spiritual practise he can do to cure all that ails him in mind and his every day life and interaction with his wife and children For everyone to keep the home clean and tidy. For the souls of him and his wife to work in harmony together as they should in marriage resulting in compromise, understanding, support, mutual respect etc.

Thank you for any advice and support and may God Bless you for all the wonderful advice and help you give on this website.
---
reply
---
Dear one,
You are asking for help but your uncle is not asking for help.
I can appreciate your love and concern for them.

We have difficulties in our life; these are challenges to meet and overcome. Marriage is the highest Yoga and the most difficult one. Encourage your Uncle to get counseling and help. You can pray for him and his situation but it is the relationship with his wife that they need to work on. If they are both willing to work on it together that is best.
It may be more important to your Uncle to live this way rather than break the marriage.

Do let him know that there are resources and encourage him not only to pray but to get help.

SKKK