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Summary of Question:	Being Pulled In Two Different Directions...
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Thursday, 12/06/2001 4:49 AM MST

Sat Sri Akaal phaji/ phanji

I would first of all like to congratulate you on providing this sort of help especially geared towards young Sikhs facing personal difficulties, it's very reassuring to know that there is always someone who will provide valuable advice when that is what is needed.

My problem is very serious, I feel like I am being pulled in two different directions. I am a 24 Year old Sikh girl from a very respectable family.
My family is everything to me, they have given me so much and loved me unconditionally. The problem is I have been seeing a Hindu Gujarati for over a year now, I have known him for nearly nine years. He is very loving and caring but at the same time he is very manipulative. Being from a Sikh family they have always made it clear that I can only marry a Sikh (I understand fully where they are coming from and their reasons) I stupidly started this relationship not facing the future and reality and basically not facing up to the problems which would be inevitable. I have now realised that under no circumstances am I willing to hurt my family for this guy. Recently I have started acting cold to him and have told him on numerous occasions that I will never marry him. He says that I cannot leave him and that he will either ruin my life or commit suicide, I feel like I have been pushed into a corner and am not in control of my own life. I know I was wrong to start this relationship and hope wahe guru will forgive me for this, I live with this guilt. I look at my family and I feel a pain in my heart knowing how much it would hurt them if they found about my boyfriend, they don't deserve this. My boyfriend has also been violent to me in the past and I just feel so trapped.
I know that in a way I am being punished for starting this relationship in the first place but I have realised the mistake I have made and all I want to do is make it better.
I would like to thank you for taking the time to read this and am grateful for any advice you can give me, please help.

Wahe Guruji Ki Khalsa Wahe Guruji Ki Fateh

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REPLY
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Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!
So you made a mistake. You should not refer to him as 'your boyfriend.' This person by your account is very dangerous. Avoid him at all costs. You have done the right thing to cut it off, because his violence is not for you. Doesn't matter if he's Hindu or Sikh: why would you consider staying with ANY man who is violent towards you? Let him threaten suicide. The one who takes his life is responsible, he is trying to make YOU feel responsible for him. Frankly, he sounds like he's in serious need of medical intervention, between the violence and suicidal tendencies, he needs to be seen by a psychiatrist.

You may need to tell your family for your own safety. Since you have given him up, you should be able to tell them without giving a full history. There is nothing written anywhere that says you need to stay with him. You fell for his line, but now you know better. Let him go and move on. DON'T call him or write him. Change your email address, and don't go out alone. Be strong. Don't fall for his stuff anymore! Why bring further violence upon yourself? You do not deserve violence in your life! His 'caring' manner cannot be trusted, and you are foolish to still think he can at all be trusted. You are not responsible for making his life 'better' --only for learning your own lessons and moving forward. Nor is this a relationship that you can 'make better.' So please stop thinking in these terms and think about a new life without him.
Guru ang sang,
-DKK