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Summary of Question:	How To Deal With Anger In Partner
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Monday, 9/30/2002 12:13 AM MDT

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!

I often read the questions & answers on this forum, but this is the first time I am asking one.

I need your advice on how to deal with my situation. My father is very angry man and I belong to a hindu family. In childhood, I have been afraid of my father's anger. Now, I have taken amrit against my parents wishes and lead a sikh way of life (also wear a turban). I have met a sikh man who I plan to marry. My parents are against it because of many reasons- he is less educated than me, belongs to a poorer family, does not look good etc. Now my father is not speaking to me also. However, I am willing to take the step and marry him even against my parents wishes because he is a gursikh, but the problem is he is very short tempered. In anger, many times he has broken expensive things, etc. He has even hit me once. He repents and says sorry afterwards. Sometimes, as a punishment he would even take my shoes and slap on his own face saying that he deserves this for making me cry. But the problem is I am very sensitive and cry when he says things that hurt me which makes him even more angry. I want him to respect me, care for me and never shout at me, but that never happens. We fight often and it hurts me very much. I sometimes feel that its becoming the same cycle, he is like my father in many ways. I also feel sometimes that may be my parents are right and he is not the person for me. I do love him and want to spent my rest of life with him. We have same goals in life- to do sewa and lead a Gursikh way of life.

Sometimes I feel like dying or going back to my parents. But they may force me to give-up sikh way of life which I do not want to do. I do not know where to turn to. Another option is to cut-off from everyone and live in peace with Guru Sahib. Please help. Is there any paath or meditation that I or he can do to change the situation?

Thanks a lot.

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Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa,
Wahe Guru Ji Ki Fateh.

Daughter - you are very perceptive and you are caught in a difficult situation for any woman to face.

First - it is a very natual, normal pattern in women that they gravitate towards men who have the same characteristics as their fathers'. It's a subconscious game the mind plays. Your father has issues with anger. So does your husband to be. The fact that your fiance has hit you is a warning sign of what you are getting yourself into. Should you marry him? Well- that depends on how the two of you are going to handle the issue of abuse and anger in the relationship. Getting hit and then allowing him to apologize is not going to get you very far. What you both need is professional conseling to help you understand why the anger/abuse happens and what habits you need to change in order for the cycle to stop. If he agrees to the counseling, and if he is honestly willing to work on himself, and if you are honestly willing to work on yourself- then stay engaged until both of you see definite progress in your relationship and know that you can build a life together. If he doesn't agree, then at least get yourself some counseling. That will help you sort out what steps to take.

As for going back to your family - you have to be what God made you to be. And if the Guru has called you forward to be a Sikh, it's a duty you can't deny. As women, we tend to relate to our fathers or our husbands as our sense of security. But as Sikhs, as Khalsa, the only security we have as women is the experience of our own soul that we cultivate through meditating on the Guru's words. It isn't a question of husband or father at all - it's a question of you coming into your true identity and relying on that identity no matter what. The end decision may be for you to live in peace with the Guru and let go of both husband and father. But since your fiance is a Gursikh and you see the common values as a base for the relationship, there may be something very beautiful possible there - if you are both willing to do the work on yourselves that will get you past these issues.

Pick any shabd - any chant - any words of the Guru will help you. Just meditate on the Guru's words and let that wisdom guide your way.

You are a great and noble soul. God bless.

GPK