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Summary of Question:	Taking Care Of Older Parents
Category:	Other
Date Posted:	Friday, 1/09/2004 10:57 AM MST

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa!

Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!!

My parents are in late seventies. My mother can’t see very well even after 7-8 surgeries and my father though is very active needs surgery for the blocked arteries. We are two sisters and three brothers in America (all siblings); who can share the responsibility of old parents. All others except me have teenager children. My two bhabies are stay-at-home with medical doctor husbands. My one Bhabi is in teaching profession that leaves enough time on her hands to take care of household chores; this Bhabi has her old mother living with her.

About me; I am in my early forties, I have three young children in grade school and I work 10 hours outside the home and leaving job is not an option for me. To take care of my family well; my day starts at 4 am & ends at 9 pm. From our wedding day until little over a month ago we had our parents-in-laws living with us who needed all kind of medical care but could cook not only for themselves but helped me in kitchen too. We had sweet and sour taste of joint family situation but can proudly say that we breezed through all the problems with Waheguru’s Mehar who filled our hearts with love and forgiveness towards each other. My husband took care of his parents in any and every manner even though he had a sister who could share that responsibility at some stages. He also fulfilled his brotherly duties gracefully. Recently they left to live with their other sons in India. So juggling between full-time job, commute and house-hold chores is even more challenging than it ever was.

My father is hard person to live with who has given several chances to all his sons so they could say ‘I take it no more’. After severing their relations with them my parents spent most of their time with my other sister, who is in her mid-fifties and works very hard at job to add to family income; leaving job is not an option for her either. During that time my parents had no option to come to live with us due to my in-laws being with us.

After my in-laws left; only after two weeks my father left us no choice but to bring them to our home. Only after they came I realized that my already full-plate was overflowing with household responsibilities. I convinced my parents to leave for India & live in the comfort of their own home, where they can get servant’s help with daily chores. Now one of their medical doctor sons is taking my father for his surgery & announced to me that after about 10 days they will be back with us.

I called my oldest brother (who is 15 years older than me) & explained him that I can’t take care of two more dependents with my current situation. I also added that it is son’s responsibility to take care of parents like my husband did. My brother did not agree with me & gave example of his wife who has taken care of her parents. Even though there is no parallel to my and my bhabi’s life; I would not dare to argue with him & said that “my husband does not believe that it is daughter’s responsibility”. At that point he ended the conversation and said that he will think about it what to do.

I am feeling terribly guilty for giving my parents the impression that they are not welcome to live with me because I can’t take care of them along with already overwhelming responsibilities of my family & my declining health due to high stress level. I feel guilty for not being able to share the responsibility of my brothers. I feel guilty for not meeting my oldest brother’s expectations of me in this matter.

I feel angry that I can’t ask more of my husband than just that he welcomed my parents to our home with open arms and smiles. If it was his parents who were so dependent I could have said that “I am not going to work anymore; you need to work extra hard to bring the needed money in.” I am sure he would do that for his parents but not for my parents.

I am totally disappointed in my brothers who can’t live with their own father’s habits after knowing him whole his life. Who has the choice to choose parents? Who does not have problems with in-laws/parents; people still take care of their dependent parents. If sons can take him for surgery why can’t daughter-in-law do their sewa? Don’t they have that much right on their wives?

I am mad at my parents who say so many things to daughters but can’t tell their sons that they refuse to go to daughter’s house to live. They are taking advantage of daughter’s soft hearts and son-in-laws god-fearing nature; making their already hard lives harder; sending them on guilt trips. We daughters are expected to share the responsibility but were not given the right to have any say in our parent’s decisions. They should not have come to America with the son who was not going to keep them under his roof (for whatever valid or invalid reasons) ; when they tossed them around from door to door; they should have left regardless. Now when I convinced my parents to leave for India & live in the comfort of their own home; my brother emerged as doctor and convinced my father for surgery; so removing their option to go back & telling me that he would leave them with me after 10 days.

I understand the Punjabi culture in which we daughters are told to adapt to in-laws family completely. My mother told me whole my life that we are your temporary parents; your real parents are your parents-in-law. How come that definition is changing after I lived with that principle for a decade and gave all I had in my in-laws sewa?

What does sikhi says about it? Can I do something different than putting the responsibility where I believe it belongs (their sons)? Why my brother gave the freedom to my Bhabi to have her parents come and live with her & why can’t I expect the same from my husband? Is it merely circumstantial or are there any ethical rules that we must understand to fulfill our responsibility as ‘Singhs’ and ‘Kaurs’ towards our parents?

Thank you so much in advance.

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This is not just a Sikhi ethical question, it's a human question. With people living longer, every family of every religion and path is faced with the situation of older parents. It is the job of every family to decide together what needs to be done. There is no right and wrong way to do it, as long as everyone's needs are taken into consideration and the job gets done. In some cases, older people live with children; in some cases they are in a retirement or nursing home; in other cases they are living in their own home with outside paid help. I suggest that you call a meeting of your siblings with the purpose of discussing this issue. It is best if it can be a group decision. There should be no "shoulds". Everyone's needs, schedules, incomes, etc. are a part of the equation. Maybe the best solution to your situation would be for the members of your family to contribute money to fund your parents living on their own with paid help. If your father will be convelescing after surgery, either he can be in a nursing home for a while or with one of you for a period of time, until he/they can move into a place of their own or go back to Indial. Then, members of the family could visit them as they can, bring food, take them to the movies, etc. The point is that your family needs to sit together and discuss the situation. There can be no guilt trips or pressure. You can come up with a solution if you all put your creative minds together. GTKK