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Summary of Question:	Desperately Need Help:-(
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 11/13/2002 3:54 AM MST

hello!

Ok i'm probably the most cofused person in the world today. i've been with this guy for the past 3 1/2 years and we luv each other a lot. i came abroad and he followed me on a student visa. for the past 2 years he is here and basically doesn't work at all and has been living on his brother's and my money. 80% of my salary for the past 2 years has gone to him. my mom knows about him and likes him except his temper. he is very agressive and impatient and fights with me all the time. he'z even bashed me up a couple of times and abused me a lot over time for silly things which i just hate, but i luv him too much to let him go. he's even given me diamond ring and promised me that he loves me a lot. in the past he has ditched me too with another girl but i've excused all that and i paid for all his phone bills in which he called my friends and his other girlfriend. but i've forgotten all that and moved on, but everytime we've had a fight he can't help mentioning about my ex-boyfriends and what people say about me. he doesn't trust me at all and doesn't allow me to make friends or have any contact with my old friends. i'm not even allowed to go to the gurudwara or out with my parents.
now after 2 years his student visa is about to expire and he'z pressuring me to marry him so he can start all over again and be a responsible man. but i can't believe it as he'z been saying that for the past 2 years and done nothing. whenever he needs money from me he is the best guy in the world and would say anything to please me, otherwise he doesn't like to show off and admit that he loves me because he believe luv is somethin to be felt not said. The thing is now that i can convince my parents but i'm not ready myself, especially with me i don't think so especially what has happened in the past. I do want to get married to him but after some time when i'm convinced thats he'z the right guy for him. his family knows all about he and luves me a lot too so i do want to get married but i'm not happy with his attitude and laziness. how can someone who's been living on a girls money be sucessful in live. its not thats i'm greedy or selfish , as i don't mind helping him whereever i can but i'm afraid this might become a habbit and how hard it will be to survive with such a man. i'm really confused as u can, i just don't know what to do. also he'z said that if i don't want to get married i should tell him clearly so he can look at options to get his permanent residency, which includes him getting married to someone else. i don't think thats is true luv or commitment.
please reply as to what i should do and tell him. Much appreciated *thanx*

(REPLY)

Sat Nam. Let me get this straight, this guy has you paying his bills, has been unfaithful to you, doesn't work, has physically abused you in the past, and now wants you to marry him so he can get permanent residency? Good grief! He's a walking disaster, and you are apparently so blinded by your "luv" for him, that you can't see how you will absolutely ruin your life unless you break up with him. You are living in your emotions and wasting your time and cutting off any hope for a decent future if you stay with this exploiter! If you marry, it's virtually guaranteed he will eventually leave you, or for sure cheat on you. This pattern of apology and promises is almost a joke, but unfortunately, it's not funny, it causes a great deal of suffering. You need to move on with your life, and be able to go to Gurdwara, make a connection with your spiritual self, make some decent friends and get enough self-respect so that no one can ever take such advantage of you again!
I hope you wake up from this fantasy in time. Blessings, SP