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| Summary of Question: | Friends After Marriage |
| Category: | Love & Marriage |
| Date Posted: | Monday, 3/19/2001 12:08 AM MDT |
I have visited the sikhnet forum and I would like to thank you for posting questions and concerns of people...It is a really good site!
I met a gursikh guy on the internet about a year ago, we used to discuss topics concerning the gurus and gurbani...I learned a lot from him b/c I had recently lost hope and faith in myself and Waheguru but he helped me get through my problems and made my love for guru ji strong but this time I made a stronger vow with myself and the bani. I belong to a gursikh family and we had a lot in common and I always wanted to take Amrit one day and he was helping me to go along that path, we ended up talking to eachohter on the phone everyday for long hours at a time and one day he asked me "when are you getting married?" and I responded with "I don't know yet!", and when I asked him the same question....his response shocked me....he said he was engaged...now the question that I asked myself was why it was such a big shock to me...and I came to the conclusion that I had feelings and had grown attached to him with love...he was the type of guy that I wanted in my life as a marriage partner. We still continued to talk
to one another, we started to talk about his fiancee and he told me that he has a lot of respect for his family, and that he was only marrying her b/c his mother had set up the arranged marriage, but that his fiancee and him had different values and beliefs(since she was a radhaswami)...but he would not disrespect his mother's decision and would follow through with the marriage....as we talked to eachother through our conversations he realized that I thought of him not just as a friend but more than a friend, and he expressed to me that I was the type of girl that he always wanted as both of us had the same views and strong beliefs and would both grow to love Waheguru together but since he was engaged he said for us to change the friendship to a (brother-sister) relationship but I refused b/c I had already experienced feelings of love towards him and I did not want to disgrace the brother-sister relationship of this world, so I insisted for us to remain friends. As we had decided that we would remain friends
, we continued to talk to eachother and unexpectedly one day he told me that he loved me, and that he wanted to come see me....shocked as I was I said "you can come to see me but please take the advise of guru ji(hukamnama)" as he did...it was
"Sant ka maarag dharam ki pauri, ko wadhbhagi aye.." he felt that it was okay to come and visit so he did, he also promised me that we wouldn't have any physical contact between us or any of that type of interaction between us..and to that I agreed to let him come. I went to the airport to pick him up and when we saw eachother for the first time we greeted one another with "GURU FATEH" and he told me after that when he first saw me walking towards him with my hands held together and greeted him with the blessings of the guru,his heart melted, as for me I felt like I was meeting with my soulmate and he had brought the most wonderful gift any friend would want to recieve which was the KAKKARS (kirpaan, khara, khanga..). He stayed with me for 2 days and in that time frame we become close and we did nitname together and did Waheguru Jaap...I took care of him as if he was my own, when he did Ardaas in the evening after Rehraas, we both ended up with tears in our eyes b/c we both knew that he was engaged and we f
elt that we were in the wrong doing...b/c of his engagement and the fact that we were not meant to be together, but we still met, and in our Ardaas he asked for Waheguru "please forgive us and take us on the right path even though we know we are in the wrong"....I am very ashamed to say that we had kissed one another the night he came and wanted forgiveness for that. He left and we still continued to talk, but he grew more attached to me after his visit as I did not as much...then he would say that he didn't want to marry his fiancee but I would advise him that everything would be okay and that he should follow through with the marriage. In 2 months time he was to go to India for 5 months, it hurt me..facing reality which was that he was going to go get married....but I did not let him know how I was feeling...we continued to talk even when he was in India he would call me every week and he was emphasizing the fact that he did not want to get married and he cried as he told me, I consoled him and once again
told him to get married b/c it was not fair to his fiancee on his request for her to take Amrit before marriage was accepted as she took Amrit for him. A few of his family members knew about our relationship but it was already to late. The day came, when he had to get married and I talked to him the day before his wedding and the words we exchanged were.."we still have hope," and "I am always with you" why we chose to say those words to eachother...I am not quite sure, but I think I still had hope that Waheguru would still bring us together one day. As you can imagine how I felt the day of his wedding....It tore me apart, because I felt that I would never find someone like him ever again. Four days after his marriage he came back from India and he asked for me to come visit him but it just didn't happen mind you I tried but I guess the timing wasn't right....now his wife is here and still he insisted for me to come visit him I refused to go many times but he was persistent with what he wanted which was f
or me to come visit b/c it had been a year since we had last seen one another but I didn't want to go b/c I didn't want to create problems for him and his wife and I never wanted for her to have reasons to doubt him or have the upper hand in the relationship....but he didn't stop with the request, so I did, I went..but we lied to his wife about our relationship between us we said we were friends when we knew better....we spent one night together and the next day I went to see his wife at their home and we all went out to dinner and a movie together, but it didn't work out as we had planned b/c she felt suspicious of us....so I came back not wanting to create problems in his marriage....still to this day he wants for us to remain in eachothers lives as friends but even after my trip I fell ill and he came to visit me, his wife did not mind b/c he convinced her that we were just friends and he would die if anything were to happen to me, but when he came here to me, he put on an act for my friends that we were j
ust friends (b/c they knew of the situation) and even had me convinced that YES infact we were only friends now and I was satisfied with that....so having me convinced having his wife convinced it's not the same b/c we still talk occasionally and there is nothing that seems to be of friendlly talk b/c he always refers to me as his wife(when I ask him "how's your wife?) he responds "I don't know how are you b/c you are my wife!") Another thing that I would like to mention-
His mother had found out before his marriage about us and had said to him...."I always pray to Waheguru as Guru Gobind Singh saved Joga's life from the hookers please save my gursikh son's life from that girl" comparing me to a hooker..which hurt me alot b/c I am not like that I did not choose for my heart to fall inlove with him it just happend but after that I felt really guilty b/c he said that he was going to take Amrit again for Sudhai b/c in our bani, it states that after marriage having an affair with another woman or man is paap(against gursikhi) now I feel that I am at fault and that I am the one to blame for all that happend b/c I never wanted for him to have to walk with his head down b/c of me, and I think that that is what happend but I want his ChardiKla. After my long story the question that I need answered is: I know that I should not talk to him anymore,but b/c I love him I still want to talk to him but.... because no matter how hard we try we cannot be friends but he thinks that we can becau
se after I get married things will be different and the 4 of us could become really good friends, please advise me of what is right and what is wrong..should I remain talking to him and what he said is right that all of us can become friends or should I leave it all in the past?...and if I am to leave it in the past how do I explain it to him? no matter what happens I have experienced alot of pain and many nights a crying and I don't want to anymore I always do paat asking for me to become strong and remain strong. I apologize for taking up so much of your precious time...but I hope you can help...I have no-one who will advise me...so please help me if you can....I know that paat and taking hukams from guru everyday is helpful and I already do that and will continue to with the blessing of Waheguru...but anything else that you may suggest that may be helpful would be appreciated
I hope to hear from you soon
thanks
GURU FATEH AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU
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Reply
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Greetings to you in the Name of God the light of every soul and in the name of Guru the Life of every Sikh.
Dear one, what a beautiful and painful experience. Meeting and separation is in the hands of God. Your connection was destined to be. Now how you deal with this situation will determine if you clear your karma of your past lives with this man or create more karma(unfinished business) for yourself.
Since the opportunity for flirtation is so big in our lives in the West....better to look at your situation this way. This man carried a message of God to you. However, you got attached to each other rather than to the message. So, let the mailman go live his life!
Your emotions are so strong, but they are emotions! Emotions cloud the "Truth" and your ability to see clearly. Your attachment for him is also closing off your being able to recieve the true husband in your life.
Hard as it seems, stop talking to him. No connections. Do not even pray for him! Pray for the good of yourself. Pray for the good of humanity. Be good and goodness will come to you. This was a flirtation. Now be a beautiful, noble and majestic daughter of Mata Sahib Kaur and Guru Gobind Singh and apply your abundent creative energy some place constructive for your life and future.
For the next 40 days, go out walking and recite the "Moohl Mantra" out loud as you walk. Walk briskly for 31 minutes all the way trhough "Jaap, aad sach, jugad sach hai bhee sach, Nanak hosee bhee sach". This will build your foundation and base of your regal princess self within yourself.
Also. you can recite this Shabd 11x a day for the next 90 days. It will overcome lonliness and unite your with your true partner.
"Mangala Saaj bahi-aa, Prabh apanaa gai-e-aa Raam" Pg. 598 in Amrit Kirtan and Pg 845 in Siri Guru Granth Sahib.
Bilawal: 5th Guru:
Magala saaj bha-i-aa, Prabh anpanaa gaa-e-aa Raam.
Abinaasee var sunee-aa
Man upaje-aa chaa-e-aa Raam.
Man preet laagei vadai bhaa-gai
Kab milee-ai pooran patay.
Sehej samaa-e-ai Gobind paa-e-ai
Daho sakhee-ay moheh mateh.
Din rain taadee karo sevaa,
Prabh kavan jugatee paa-e-aa.
Binvant Naanak karo kirpa
Layho mohey larr laa-e-aa
"Decorate yourself with the Lord's own song of Bliss, sing Raam"
The imperishible bridegroom hears tha song born from the heart's ardent devotion.
The love of the soul is to cling to it's exhaulted destiny. Which sometimes reaches it's ultimate fulfillment with the Master.
The state of transendence in Union with God is attained. for this body my friend, is bound by desire and pride.
Those who perform God's service tranquilly, day and night, recieve Him.
Nanak humbly prays, be kind oh God and keep me attached to your robe."
God bless you sweet one, SKKK
Friends After Marriage (03/19/2001)