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Summary of Question:	How To Raise Children Alone While Maintaining My Happiness
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Thursday, 5/20/2004 6:51 AM MDT

I'm a divorced Amrithaare woman raising my two children who are both preteens. I have no intention of ever remarrying. Although I am into Sikhie/Simran, my children are not as much. Whereas before, when I was married, I had the strength to push the children however I wanted them to be, now, I have no more energy (emotional) and limited time. I just try to teach them morals and that's it. Their father has not remained a Sikh and that also has a big impact on them. There are a number of issues I'm dealing with:

1. How do I get good male role models for my son? I know our history provides many, but sometimes a child needs a person they can sit with and talk to. Our Sikh community is very proper and I don't want to risk people getting the wrong idea and talking behind my back or others who are trying to help me(which has happened). Secondly, most Sikh men are hesitant to offer such assistance. Aside from being busy with their own families, there is the social issue.

2. The few friends I have are Gurmukhs and their children are taught similarly. Although we adults get alone, I think down the line, our children will not mix as well because they are different. My children would not be accepted. Knowing this and wanting to protect my children from anymore hurt makes me put up a wall when it comes to my own friends. How do I balance the friends I need and the friends my children need?

3. Some times I feel so very alone. My own family lives very far from me. I have remained where I lived while married because I really like the Sangat and area here. I avoid calling friends in the evening or weekends because I know they are busy with their own. It's just very difficult.

Any suggestions would be wonderful. I often think we need to set up a support group for divorced/separated Sikhs.

Many thanks.
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Lets put out the idea of a support group for single Sikh parents and see if we get a response. Its a good idea.

Have you tried emailing your friends and relatives who are out of town or state? That might be a great way to keep in touch and then they can respond when they have the time and you don't have to worry about calling at inconvenient times.

It is important for boys to have male models. Have you tried talking to some of your lady Sikh friends? Maybe they can tell you someone who would be willing or one of their husbands. Even if families have their own children, some times it is fine to incorporate another child into their existing scene, especially if the children are around the same age or even friends. Maybe one of your son's friends father would be willing to mentor your son along with his own.

I'm sorry that you feel the stigma. It shouldn't be that way. But if you keep your vibration and boundaries very clear, the gossip will be less. You have to do what is best for your son, irregardless of what others say. If he gets into drugs, or cuts his hair or whatever, you will get blamed then too, so why not do what you know is best for him now.

As far as your own friends. You have to take care of yourself and create a balance in your life. If you are happy, you will be a better parent.

Now, lets see if anyone responds to the idea of a single parent's support group. Have you approached your gurdwara with this idea? Blessings. GTKK