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Summary of Question:	Guilty
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Monday, 4/11/2005 5:28 PM MDT

WJKK WJKF,

First i want to thank all of you moderators for keeping up good work - this is really good.

The situation that i have is very weird and hard to understand, so I would rather have you take some time answering my questions.
I have been married for 3 years and me and my husband have been fighting on and off. Well, when we first got married, i had my ex's picture in my wallet. And my husband got hold of it and stated that this is the reason i was not coming close to my husband. This was in the first 3 months of our marriage. and then i started coming close to my husband, told him that i love him and thought life was going fine. Me and my husband just kept on fighting for no reason, it was just small things that we fought over. And then last year, we were at my parents house and we had this huge fight where he basically told my parents that at first i didnt even want to be with him because i had my ex's picture. And you know how indian parents are, they said it was my fault. And then i went back to my husband and we agreed to give it another shot and actually work out our marriage. And then we still had lots of fights and then we just stopped talking for about 8 months. He was saying that the reason we are in a marriage is just because we are indians and thats ok couple of years will pass by and we will be old soon. This made me really depressed and we even stopped sleeping together. this kept on going for 8 months and i thought i was going to go into a deep depression mode since nothing is working in my marriage so i turned to chatting to keep my self busy.I was emotionally unstable and just by chatting with someone made me feel a little better. I know that this is wrong but at the moment didnt think it was and then when people on the chat room asked me if i was happily married and i said that if i was why would i be on the chat room. So basically i felt awful in my stomach, and i just told my husband that its not working and left to my parents place. Long story short, he told my parents that i carried my ex's picture for the first 3 months and then now i have been chatting. Now i think we are getting separated but why do i feel so guilty. Deep down in my heart, i know that i didnt do anything wrong and i definately didnt cheat on him.
I feel bad in general, my family says that i shouldnt have gone on the chat room which i know i shouldnt have but how do amend this. HOw can i amend this, how do i pray to god for forgiveness. I know that marriage is only for once and all but i we have been fighting through out the marriage and it doesnt feel like its going to work, and now im pretty sure that we are going to get a divorce. Will i ever be forgiven, will i ever get married. is it right to be divorced, at this point i dont care what people say, i just want peace. Will god accept me in his gurudwara, is there any shabd that i can recite for forgiveness.
Thanks in advance for the reply.

(REPLY) Sat Nam. You may not like what I'm going to reply! You say you didn't do anything wrong, but the problem is, I think, from what you've said, that you haven't done anything right! You haven't taken responsibility as a woman to create a cozy home for your husband. Like it or not, believe it or not, that is your job. A woman has a tremendous amount of power when she accepts her role as a woman. That means, her job as a wife is to set a vibration of love, peace, and mutual respect. Arguing and fighting over trivial matters is just stupid. If a woman is smart, she lets the man feel he is king in his own home, and lets him "win" in a discussion about trivial things ---of course that doesn't mean that she should ever compromise her spiritual values. Speaking of which, have you been reading your banis every day? As for God's forgiveness, the question does not arise. God just lets us do whatever we decide, and the law of karma takes care of the rest. God keeps on loving us - every breath we take is proof of God's love and presence in us. The way to get over your feeling of guilt is to change your behavior. Carrying around a picture of your "ex" was insulting to your husband. It hurt him, it offended his ego, and made him feel that you really didn't love him. I don't blame him for objecting to it. A wise wife never hurts her husband's ego. Do you know why you did that? Anyway, what's done is done. The chat room was a really bad idea. Chatting with God in the ambrosial hours every morning would be a much better use of your time. If you want to save your marriage, I think you need to apologize to your husband and change your attitude toward him and toward your marriage. Especially change the way you speak to him. Think before you say anything! Is this a kind, respectful way to talk? Don't misunderstand me, I don't believe he is perfect, no man is! In a marriage we accept that the other person has faults ( we all do) , but we do our best to overlook them as well as to improve ourselves. If you get a chance, I strongly suggest you get some of the transcrips of lectures from the Khalsa Women's Training Camp and read and learn what it means to be a woman, and how to have a successful marriage! (Contact Ancient Healing Ways www.a-healing for a catalog) May God and Guru bless you with wisdom and humility. SP