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Summary of Question:	Marital Problems
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 11/23/2005 4:28 PM MST

Hello...

I have a problem and I don't know who else to turn to. I've asked questions here before and have gotten great advice so I was wondering if you could help me one more time. Thanks so much by the way. I love what you guys do for everyone. You really can't imagine how helpful it is.
I met my husband on Sikhnet.com. We met and fell in love right away. Our parents didn't accept our love, so for a about 2 years we tried to get our parents to accept us and it finally worked. We were married in January, and yesterday was 10 month anniversary.
Being married is not what I imagined at all. We fight every week. When we fight, we give each other the silent treatment. Or at least I don't try to, but he loves to give me the silent treatment after we fight, so out of one week, we probably talk for 2 or 3 days and I hate that.
The problem is is that he wanted me to be a certain way after marriage, and I didn't know about this other side to his personality until after marriage. He wants me to cook and clean and do everything for him, like a maid and I hate that. God gave him 2 hands and 2 feet so why does he need me to do every little thing for him?? If he would do something for me, I would never think of it like this. I would want to help him in the things he wants me to do for him, but when I ask him to do something for me he says, "Why can't you see that I'm tired??" Do I not get tired?? One example: We like to sleep with 2 blankets because its cold nowadays, but I always put the top blanket away because it ruins the look of the bed, so everynight I put it on the bed again. Sunday night we came home from the movies and I went to the restroom to change my clothes. When I came outside, I saw that he's laying in the bed and he didn't even put the 2nd blanket on the bed. When I told him that "you could've at least done that," he said, "Why don't you ever see that I'm tired!" And after that he got irritated with me and didn't talk to me.
In the morning today, we were both sitting on the sofa, drinking tea and watching tv. There was something in the way of the tv that was annoying him. He said, "Could you move that from the tv?" If he doesn't want to do anything for me, what makes him think that I want to do anything for him?? So, I gave him a dirty look but I did do what he asked because my mother-in-law was close by.
Little things like this makes me feel so hurt. He wants me to do everything for him and when it comes turn to help me, HE'S TOO LAZY!!! His mother doesn't let him touch a finger, so when I ask him to do something, he feels like he shouldn't have to because he's the King of the house or something. He use to be so open-minded, or at least I thought he was. Now he just makes me feel like a slave in the house. He doesn't even care to talk to me at all. He doesn't seem like he cares for me at all. I feel like I don't like him at all anymore. His temper went up so much. He gets irritated by little things. I could get irritated and yell too, but I don't because I know the way he is, he'll stop talking to me for 3 or 4 days again, and I feel like so much of our time has passed by like this that I feel like I want out now. We don't even have a relationship anymore. Most of the time we're just not talking to each other.
What should I do?? How do I get along with my husband? How do I get him to stop being so lazy?? Marriage is a compromise, so why is that I always have to compromise and he doesn't?? Please help me fix my marriage. It's only been 10 months and I feel like I'm sophicating.. like I want out... please help me..

---reply

Yes, you are in a difficult situation. Do you live in a place where there are marriage counselors? That would be my first choice for you. See if your husband will go with you to get some marriage counseling. Sit down with him and explain (as neutrally as possible) that you want to work some things out in your marriage with a counselor. Emphasize to him that it is a place where he can also express himself. If he says no than I would explain to him (as neutrally as possible) that you are not happy and that you feel you both need help in your marriage. Something has to change. Don't get pregnant until you can work something out. Try to discuss with him. If he won't discuss, you really don't have much choice. You have three choices...either to just be silent and be who he wants you to be, work it out together or leave. Marriage is hard but it takes both people working together to make it work. Just make sure you don't get pregant. Once you are pregnant, things are much more complicated. If you decide to leave, just acknowledge your mistake and go on. Next time, get to know your boyfriend better. Let us know how you are doing. Blessings. GTKK