Previous

Next

Ask a Question

Summary of Question:	I Hate My Uncle
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Friday, 1/11/2002 12:35 PM MST

Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa,

Wahe Guru Ji Ki Fathae,

My Mama(n) Ji has been violent towards his mother, my Grandma. She is in India, and he lives in Canada. I am in England.It was while during his visit to India that he beat her badly, despite her illness and in a state of being bedridden. She is in her late eighties. He has beaten her before, many years ago with a stick. The poor innocent soul has been through a lot in her life. She has lost three sons and a daughter.

He used to be violent towards my Grandfather, I remember how my Dad successfully blocked him from attacking my Grandpa, at my Maasee ji's wedding which took place many years ago.My heart is filled with so much rage towards him for why he is like that, I have just bombarded him with an email expressing all my rage, because I am very upset. He goes to the Gurdwara regularly, claims to be an Amritdhari, is a nondrinker, a nonsmoker, a strict vegetarian, he always does naam simraan, he wears a turban and those five symbols of Sikhism, but what he did to my Grandma, the lady whom I long to see is extremely unacceptable. You know, how he's treated her after what she has been through in her life. He is extremely nasty to his two sisters, one of whom is my Mum. He is a person who has always been filled with arrogance, hatred and greed. He never asks for forgiveness and never even forgives some one. He was bad to his two brothers when they were alive.

For some reason he seems to detest people who drink, smoke and have tattooes.He looks at them with hatred.
I disagree with him, I remember him coming to England and he was lecturing me, why I should avoid the company of drinkers and smokers. I drink and smoke myself, but the way he has always treated his parents is extremely unacceptable in my eyes. He was upsetting me. Shouldn't he correct himself from where he is wrong? We are all mortals end of the day, and who is he to judge for the way I am, atleast I have always respected my elders. Shouldn't he be ashamed of his sins rather than be offended by my drinking and smoking? Only Guru is the one to
judge all persons.

The only sin that I have commited and will make feel a bit guilty afterwards is this (krode I am filled with towards him, right now). It will hurt me more end of the day, than my drinking and smoking. Do I have the right to hate him for the way he is, for what he has done to my Grand Ma? What is the difference between my anger and the 'krode' mentioned in the Granth Sahib? What is the difference between my weaknesses and his weaknesses? I am sure there are lots of drinkers and smokers out there who are better persons than him. Why are there so many people in Sikhi who are so offended by drinking, smoking and tattooes, but they ignore the 'pange choar' that are taken most seriously by the Granth Sahib.

So, please help me with those questions I have and what steps must I take to confront him?

************
REPLY
************
Sat Siri Akaal. While your rage is completely understandable, realize also that your rage towards your uncle is violence in itself. In a way, you have let his actions do violence against your own being. There is a karma between your uncle and his mother. It is obviously one full of pain. It is your karma to be in this family. The next time you see this uncle, you can confront him ONCE and suggest to him that a true Gursikh never harms another being except in true self-defense. However, no purpose is served to keep harping on him or to let your rage consume you. I believe he needs to be confronted, but be aware that others in your family may take his side or continue the denial syndrome by pretending that he did not do this violence to your grandma. Be prepared for such consequences.

It is not about a 'right' to be angry at what he has done: witnessing or hearing of physical harm to those not able to defend themselves makes many angry. Many get angry thinking about how Taliban treated women.

Guru has given us many people in our lives who affect us by WHO they are and HOW they act. The test for us is: how to act and respond without continuing the karma. Righteous anger is not wrong, but what we do with it and how we manifest it can be insofar as the karma keeps on rolling. Your task is to call the truth as you understand it and in your OWN actions and thoughts, choose conciously NOT to perpetuate the karma, but choose dharma. While this sounds like a purely Sikh thing, it is a fact of life for all; others call it living righteously or doing no harm or 'doing unto others as you would have them do unto you'. For you living dharma could perhaps be to show compassion to all your family and to promise never to harm anyone by thoughts, words, or actions. This is a teaching of all paths, not just Sikh.

Your anger/hatred is no different than his, it just takes DIFFERENT forms. No one is above another in Guru's eyes, although frail human judgements may come down in favor of you OR your uncle. I recommend that as much as possible, you avoid this uncle, so that your rage is not further ignited. Frankly, I must also say that drinking and smoking do not serve you at all, and they can actually MAGNIFY your rage. I am not speaking here as a Sikh, for you have made your choices, but I am speaking as one who has seen the damage and denial that alcohol and tobacco encourage. Please consider quitting and working on taking care of your body and spirit through life-affirming practices of your choice. ALso, anger can be alleviated or channeled through hard physical exercise.

Guru rakha,
-DKK