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Summary of Question:	Im Gay, Depressed And Lonely. Will God Help Me?
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 8/22/2001 6:06 PM MDT

I'm hoping someone will help me here and put my mind to rest.

I do not think, I know, I am gay. After reading several books on what exactly homosexuality is, I have discovered i am one "those" people.

I have been hiding this truth from my family - and I hate to keep such a big secret from them. Now that I will graduate next year as a Doctor, the family is looking for a girl ... I am seen as the "perfect" son - good looks, tall, educated, respects elders, speaks and writes Punjabi well, etc etc. The real truth is killing me. I would never marry a girl and hence ruin her life. She deserves love in every way and I cant give it to her. I have absolutely no right to do that to anyone.

I do not want to wake up everyday with a voice screaming inside waiting to release itself. The smile I wear everyday is fake - I can laugh and joke with my friends and family but the minute I am alone I want to cry - this pain in my heart doesnt go away. My exams are being affected, I think they have an indication at home that something is wrong and i am in turmoil.

I guess what Im trying to say (after reading all of the other questions on this subject)is: I believe God, I pray, the Almightly is in my mind all the time, I read up on Sikhism, so why can I not find peace ? Why do I feel like running away and on a bad day, feel like giving up?

I have spent the last 5 years studying so I can help people, living by myself, lonely, no one to talk to about "me" , doesnt this count for anything? What do I have to do to make God hear me?

My parents have always taught me to help others whenever I can ... But no one seems to be here for me ...

And for anyone who thinks I made this choice to be like this, believe me, I had no choice. And I would never wish it upon anyone.

Please help ... I dont think I want to carry on.

Sat sri akaal
Love ...
xxx

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REPLY
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Sat Siri Akaal Dear One:

I can understand your turmoil, I have had friends in the same situation. God made you as you are. The first thing to do is ACCEPT yourself completely, as you are. This will make it easier for others to accept you, believe me.

You cannot find peace because the outer world you have lived in all your life makes little allowance for homosexuality, to put it mildly. Please do not hate yourself. It is pointless and not appropriate or Sikh to hate the God within you --a gay man. For God is in all of us, "Nanak avyai jan-i-ai sabh aapay sachiar" -- O Nanak, know that God is All-in-All." You are gay, a doctor, a devotee of God, and a sevadar who wishes to heal others. Wow. So what if you are gay? Accept ALL that you are as a gift from God: "Kaytia Dukh Bukh Sadh Maar" ("Pain and pleasure are also Your Gifts"). The process of finding peace will begin with acceptance, and you will find this easier when you find other gays you can relate to who can serve as a support group/system for you. You are NOT alone, though I realize you feel you are.

You must NOT marry; I have a friend who was married to a closeted gay man for 20 years and it indeed caused so much pain for her, her sons, and himself. You are correct that you should NOT marry and wake up every day in pain and inner anguish. You could go nuts with the duality of it. Ultimately, it appears you will have to tell your family. Or disappear from them entirely. I do not know how to make this easy for you. It is not easy. Most families cannot comprehend that their offspring's homosexuality is not a choice and not their (the parents') fault. I don't know anyone who is gay who made a choice to be gay instead of straight, and I know a lot of gay people.

I'm sorry but it seems you already know inside you that there is a possibility your family will never accept you as gay. I hope Guru gives them the wisdom to understand and accept that you are.

Right now more than anything you need support. I don't know where you live. If you are in the USA, then hook up with Parents & Friends of Gays & Lesbians (PFLAG) to start-- I'm sure they have a website. Or if you are in a big city in USA or Canada, I am sure a look in the phone book or some alternative city paper will give you a clue as to gay support groups. I know you can find them on the Internet as well. I believe there are also some Sikh gay support groups, but I don't know of them personally. I think there is one in England, however. You need to talk with people who have been through the experience of dealing with being the only gay in their family, of coming out of the closet.

You will also find acceptance and inner peace easier to come by if you daily practice Naam Simran, and do it for a while, not just a few minutes. Do it in a sacred, private space of your own, or go daily to a gurdwara. Make a commitment to do this, for Siri Guru tells us over and over that all that ails our minds will be resolved through practice of the Naam.

Guru ang sang, Guru rakha,
-DKK