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Summary of Question:	Excluded Because Of A Mental Illness
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Friday, 8/30/2002 5:32 AM MDT

I'm a Sikh who has been excluded from her community because my mother has a severe mental illness. She has suffered from acute schziophrenia for 23years and from the onset of her condition, Sikh people have turned their back on her and us, even her own family, relatives and friends. As a family we have struggled extremely hard to maintain any kind of normality with her condition. It is difficult to sleep at night because she will scream and shout at the voices she hears, and sobs uncontrollably throughout the day.

What has upset me the most is the way that my own community has treated us and especially her. My sister and I are at the age when we should be looking for prospective partners but no-one will help us. I was introduced to one guy and told that he was the only guy who would be introduced to me because of my mum. Her condition apparently lowers the status of our family, in many peoples eyes. I quickly got engaged to the guy but broke if off when I realised he was being unfaithful. Again, I was told that I should have gone through with it, because of my family's situation, I wasn't allowed to be picky. After having a very difficult childhood with many years of separation from my mother, I don't think that it is unreasonable for me to want to make sure my adult life is stable and happy.

I accept that illnesses are the result of one's karma, and I thank God everyday for giving me the mother I have. She has a heart of gold and is a fantastic person, who managed to raise three children whilst suffering so much herself.

What I want to know is whether it would be acceptable for me to marry outside my religion, as no Sikh is interested in marrying me once they know about my mother. I'm an intelligent, educated, caring individual who would not have any trouble meeting a nice non-Sikh man. I want to marry someone who will judge me for the person I am, and not my family situation. I am dedicated to being a Sikh, and read the Japji every morning, but I don't see why I shouldn't be allowed to get married and have a family of my own. If my own community will not help me then I don't seem to have any other option.

I'm not being critical of every Sikh person, as my mother's psychiatrist is a Sikh and has helped her a lot. I just hope that anyone reading this will take the time to realise that people who suffer from mental illnesses deserve our help and support. There is a nasty stigma attached to these illnesses and we all need to work together to help abolish it.

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REPLY
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Sat Siri Akaal. What a difficult path God has given you! Be strong! and keep your courage. I am appalled at how your fellow Sikhs have treated you. I might add that their actions betray them; if they were being true to Sikhi, they wouldn't hold your mother against you. They are being true to outdated and classist cultural fears that are not anywhere part of the Sikh faith or teachings. So be careful to distinguish this.

The problem you have is that your options are limited. I am certain that you could find a Gursikh husband, but clearly you cannot find one in your immediate environment. I am not going to say marry a Sikh only OR marry a non-Sikh. (I would not be surprised if you get the same reaction from a non-Sikh.) The problem is people not only stigmatize your family, they are afraid of what they don't understand. I don't know where you live, but if you are in the West anywhere you might have more options if you expand them to include Sikhs of any ethnicity and who are not in your immediate area. You might need to take a non-traditional approach to finding a husband, but one defined by your situation, not by me!

It depends in part on what you really want in a husband. I do know that if your faith is all-important to you it can be very difficult to be the only Sikh in a household. Consider this carefully. Turn it over to Waheguru and don't limit your options IN YOUR MIND. Let your thoughts trust that this situation can be resolved happily. Meanwhile, read 'So Purakhs' 11x daily (find it in Rehiras Sahib) as a prayer to Waheguru to grant you a wonderful husband.

Guru ang sang,
-DKK