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Summary of Question:	Marrying A Non Sikh
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 1/29/2003 10:41 AM MST

I have been on this website quite a few times now to read responses to similar questions and most of them are about thinking of the future of children and how they should be brought up to believe in one faith.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and we are very happy together, we talk about marriage and our future together and how we would bring up our children. His family are Christian however he is not a practising Christian he doesn't go to church like I go to the Gurudwara but he does understand my belief in Sikhism and why it is important to me. I'd never ask him to convert to Sikhism as I believe all that matters is how you feel in your mind and heart and not how other people perceive you to be. A lot of sikh people I know including my family I believe are hypocritical they talk about how important religion is and that you should only marry in your own religion (including caste - even though they are aware that the Khalsa means we don't have castes) yet most of my family have cut their hair, eat meat and men drink. So if they believe they can still do all these things then why are they so insistent upon marrying someone of the same religion? I think I have an answer to this question - it is a society thing and what other people think and say matters to them. I believe that if you have a clear mind & conscience and a strong belief in God then "rituals" do not matter, it's how you are as a person that counts.

I told my family about my boyfriend 5 months ago as they had begun to talk about marriage and I did not see the point in "looking" at other people when I have no interest. My family took it badly as expected and initially threatened me with having to choose, else they would all leave and move back to India - I have two younger brothers who they said they would take out of school and University and take them also ( I know my brothers wouldn't be happy). For weeks my Dad called me everyday ( I live and work in a different city - although I don't live with my boyfriend) and he would cry saying that it was up to me to save this family otherwise everything he had worked hard for would be lost. This was very difficult for me as I never knew what to say - I didn't want to give in because if my relationship didn't mean that much to me I wouldn't have told them in the first place, but I didn't want to be harsh as I was scared of making them ill. In december I had exams for my Postgraduate course and had to ask them not to call me all the time as I couldn't concentrate on my study so they didn't - my exams didn't go very well as I found it all too much although I get my results soon. I went home for the Christmas and New year holidays very worried that they would keep on about it all, however the entire week went by really nicely we all laughed and joked and I didn't feel guilty as I had now told them all the truth. I came back to work and for a few weeks things have been good. However last night my Dad called me again and he cried down the phone saying that I can't stay with my boyfriend and that I am making my mum ill - she suffers from high blood pressure (since a year ago) and arthritis (many years)and that when I'm not around she crys saying things like all the hopes they had for me I've destroyed and that all they ever wanted was to see me happy in my own home. However when I talk to (every night)and see my mum (nearly every weekend) we get on fine, we laugh and joke and talk about normal things and I help her as much as I can. If all they want is to see me happy in my own home why can't they let me be happy? - I know they're worried I'm not doing the right thing but if I'm making a mistake then let me find out - a family is meant to be there unconditionally if you do something wrong they should help you through it. Instead I'm scared they can't see how happy I really am, I want to marry someone I've chosen for myself. I don't like the indian culture of getting married and the hassle with in-laws and extended family telling you what to do and how to live your life. I have a clear picture in my mind of how I want to live my life, granted it might not be one of a traditional indian girl but at least I'd be happy, unlike some of my friends and family who have given in to family demands and are now unhappy.

I'm sorry this is very long but I'm struggling with the guilt of how its affecting my family and what I really want out of life. In fact I was so upset after my dad's call last night I couldn't face going into work today - which makes me angry because I've worked so hard to get this great job that I have. Also I'm worried about how its affecting my studies - they're important to me. I don't want to choose but I feel I'm being forced to - can you please help? I don't know how to explain to my parents that I don't want the same in life as they want for me - surely all that matters is happiness and if I am making a mistake (I'm pretty sure I'm not) then I will find strength in God (and hopefully my family) to get through it. In case you suggest it - I do Paath and pray every day - it helps keep me calm.
Thank you.

(REPLY) Sat Nam. Ordinarily I discourage interfaith marriages, but reading your story impels me to give a different response here. You don't sound as if you're an immature emotional girl who blinded by infatuation, thinking that you are "in love." After a 5 year relationship, you must be very sure of your future in a marriage with your current boyfriend. Of course we don't try to "convert" anyone to become a Sikh, but I'm assuming that he would not object to your raising children as Sikhs? That being the established, I have to say that your family trying to force you by making you feel guilty and responsible for the fate of your brothers is absolutely wrong. Your Dad I'm sure means well, but his desperate attempts to force you just are not right. I think you have to be true to yourself, and not make your choice out of guilt, or just to please your family. You are not a child, and you are already living away from your parents home. Their threats of taking your brothers out of school, etc, are just wrong. I would suggest you tell your Dad that once and for all that you love your family very much, and you don't want to hurt them, but you cannot and will not make your own life miserable because of their threats. Whatever choices we make in life, there are always consequences, and this choice may cause the consequences that will not be pleasant. So, you have to decide just what you are prepared to deal with as a result of your actions. I really doubt that they will follow through on the threat, it makes no sense. Anyway, no one can decide for you, you need to calmly think about (and maybe even write down!) the pros and cons of your decision, estimating the effect or result of what you choose. May God bless you and Guru guide you with wisdom and compassion. SP