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Summary of Question:	Abusive Marriage - What To Do
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Monday, 12/17/2001 5:56 PM MST

I have visited the Sikh net forum and I would like to thank you for posting questions and concerns of people...It is a really good site!

I am married and have one kid, I believe in Sri Guru Garanth Sahib, please give me a advise , I know what I am doing is wrong, I am trying to stop it, but not able to do so, I am in love with south guy, he is also married. Sometimes I really feel bad about it, why I am doing, I do not want to be like that but I am still doing it. I know this guy from nearly 6 years, I had tuff times in life, he was the only one who helped me, in those day?s, he helped me looking for job, he helped me preparing interview, he was always there when ever I needed him. And one day he told me that he love me, I said no, that?s wrong, I love my husband and he is the only one for me, for me he was my best friend I ever had. He said sorry to be, he was agree with that, and we remained friends. But now I do have feelings from him. I like him; I am in love with him. I know I am doing doing bad thing, I am cheating, he is cheating too, I am always telling telling him that, trying to get away from him.Trying to avoid but just not working that way, we work at same place. (About my husband ? he use drink a lot, he use to beat me, After I got married to him I lost my happiness, he always tells me , he behaves like he is my god, and I am his slave, he never treated me as human , he was gambling all the times, but still I was loving him, and never mentioned any thing to any one,, never told single thing to my parents or his parents, because I always had hope one day he will change, 2 years back I found out that my husband was cheating on me, he cheated on me for couple for years, everything just changed, all my love for him just vanished, I do not love him any more, I thought of leaving him, but just for sake of my child I am still leaving with him, and yes he is changed a bit, but still he thinks that men are superior and women should be treated as slave, )That guy was the only one who supported me then, I do not know what to do where to go, I am just struggling here.

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REPLY
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Sat Siri Akaal. You and your current husband are in serious need of marriage and individual counseling or therapy. Going back to this other person is not the answer, but I am not convinced that staying in a bad marriage is either. You are in love with this other person because he helped you through a bad time, and was considerate of you. Stop being hard on yourself for wishing this person was your husband. You wouldn't have these feelings if there was love and consideration in your marriage now.

It is a horrible thing to subject any child to a marriage such as yours. You are not serving this child by staying in a marriage with a cheating husband who beats you and drinks. If you cannot get marriage therapy NOW then I recommend you find a safe place to move to with your child, where you can be supported and still provide for your child. It might be with a friend or family member. If you live in USA or Canada, you can look up crisis hotlines in the phone book and find references to public services for abused women. Then seek out such services and find out what your options are.

You clearly have a karm that involves your husband, but there is nothing that says you have to STAY in such a situation. What is important is to choose conciously in your mind to better your life for you and your child, and to choose not to stay in any relationship that is abusive whether physically or psychologically and verbally. Get help now and pray to Waheguru everyday for guidance. Guru rakha,
-DKK