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Summary of Question:	Parentless
Category:	Other
Date Posted:	Saturday, 8/18/2001 12:57 PM MDT

Dear Sikhnet:

I'm a 15 year old girl with a big family. I have many brothers and sisters, and am the youngest. My dad was a drunk and left us about 10 years ago. My mom has raised us ever since, on her own. Altogehter, we are 5 kids. She now has a rare kind of breast cancer. She is very sick, and she lives far away now with her mother for better treatment. We all have to stay here because of school and jobs. Wee're worried about losing her, and where to turn next. We have no father either. My mom's family is in Toronto. Basically, we don't want our father in our life, but we got a call from his sister, and she said he has changed very much, and has a family now. He wants us to work things out with him. We don't have much of a choice, since our mother wants us to get back together with him, because she believes he has changed. We went over to his house once, like a year ago, but his "new family", a step family was very rude. We want to live with him, but we don't, what should we do???

Sandee

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REPLY
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Dear Sandee:

Sat Siri Akaal. Your mother is concerned that you will be homeless if she should die from her cancer. Understand this is one of her primary motivations.

It sounds like you have NO choice in this matter, since you are not of legal age... ? I can't tell you what to do. Understand that your father's stepfamily may have been rude to you because the whole thing is too weird. Imagine having a bunch of step-siblings show up and become your 'family' overnight! If you are Sikh and they are not, this could also be cause for rudeness. Somettimes the rudeness is a front for shyness and insecurity, and sometimes (unfortunately), it is what it is. Your presence reminds them that their father had another life. It makes them uncomfortable.

Is there a cousin, aunt/uncle you could go live with, with whom you are comfortable? How close are you and your siblings, do you want to stay together regardless? Or are you willing to split up? If you are the youngest, my guess is the oldest is at least 20 and in theory, all of you could live together on your own (assuming you work to support yourselves). You have other options, but I don't know how practical they are since I am not Canadian and don't know other details of your family. Perhaps all the siblings need to sit down with your mother and discuss the matter rationally, and maybe the father can be included. He has no legal hold over any of you, since he has, it appears, no joint custody or visitation from a legal standpoint. So this is not, therefore it seems, a LEGAL matter, but a family matter entirely. It might be better if your father makes a personal attempt to get to know each of you siblings individually instead of taking you on as a family. I wonder if he realizes he is asking for a huge resp
onsibility. I think your mother, if she insists on you living with him, should get a legal agreement drawn up that lays out what your father's financial and other responsibilities are with you and your siblings, since his track record on this is dubious at best.

Clearly you are being tested. Develop faith in God and Guru and practice the Naam daily for guidance and support. Practically speaking, I suggest you look for some kind of support in the form of a Family Services organization in your area, or even a teacher, minister, or parent of a friend. Your immediate future with your blood mother or father looks difficult and it will take a lot of strength and young wisdom to go through it gracefully and with compassion.

Guru ang sang,
-DKK