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Summary of Question:	Partner With Depression
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 8/09/2006 9:17 AM MDT

Waheguru ji ka khalsa, waheguru ji ki fateh. I am 27 years old and have been married just over 2 years. I chose to marry someone that my parents introduced to me and everything seemed fine, but from the day that we went on our honeymoon I discovered that my husband was not mentally very secure or well. I come from a family where we were very open with each other, emotional and showed love and affection to each other, where as in my husbands family which I only discovered afterwards, they are very cold, unemotional and on my first day of living in there house noticed that the kids wouldn't even come home and say hello to their parents and the parents were fine with this. There was also a huge culture of 'going out' and 'drinking' until all hours with my husband not coming home until 5am 5 weeks after our marriage and then on one occassion not actually coming home at all. It's not that I am alien to this but I am a professional and know you have to socialise but not like this, not in a family environment, and when I mentioned it to his mum she simply said that it was normal and that guys don't like to be controlled and that it's what men do. Even though by nature I am almost too soft and sensitive I could not accept this. My husband's 'depression' comes from the fact that as a child he was not taught many morals or discipline and identity wise not encouraged to learn about our religion, and because he is quite a deep thinking person at the age of 32 now, this thought of not knowing who he is and what he should do with his life has been eating him up for 20 years now and as a result is always very miserable and unable to be happy about anything. I have taken him to counselling and tried to help in the ways that I knew how, and I do path and encourage him to as well, but it has affected our marriage immensely and my self confidence as I feel that I was used, and he only married me thinking that it might solve his problems, his family definitely thought this. Financially I have spent a lot trying to help him, but even though a factor it is not about the money. I beleive that husband-wife should have an understanding and have an unconditional love for each other, which is irresptive of physical traits, and my husband and his family are very vein and have a superficial way of thinking where the prime objective is money and judge how people look, this has increased my insecurity as I am now very concious as to what they think of me physically. I really beleive that I have given up a lot in these 2 years to try and make things work but sometimes the thought of 2 years of this gets

are having to see me like this. I have not given up yet but is there anything that maybe I can do to try and get my husband to snap out of this 'lost' state and build a bond between us? Are there specific shabads that I could recite?

Thank you,
Amardeep Kaur Bhangu

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reply
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Sat nam. Chant Dhan Dhan Ram Das Gur. Find it in the shabds for printing link off the homepage. Also chant So Purakh (from Rehiras) 11 times/day. Finally, your husband needs to take personal responsibility. You cannot take it for him, even as wife, in this situation. Think in those terms, and consider drawing a personal line on further enabling his situation. Seems to me he doesn't want to change. Ignore what people say. Stand tall and look like a princess, but always be polite. Guru ang sang,
-DKK