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Summary of Question:	Parents Or Lover?
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Monday, 11/03/2003 9:45 AM MST

sat siri akaal,

i feel so confused and depressed over the dilema which i face. i am at uni and have been dating a hindu gujarati girl. she is my best friend and is always, always there for me no matter what. she brings out the best in me. i love her so much, she is truly one of a kind.

we have come very far in our relationship of two years, and she asked if there was any chance of marriage.

the problem i face is with my parents. they dont even like the fact me talking to other girls let alone dating one. they have said, that i will marry who they choose for me and she will have to be jatt sikh, NOT even a sikh girl off another caste. so there is no way i can tell them about her. they would disown me. i would be breaking tradition by not marrying a jatt, i would become the black sheep of the family.

i have tried on several occasions to break up with her, but it doesn't work. i have put her through so much grieve and it breaks her heart to that we cannot be together. i am having big troubles at home too and feel so depressed. my dad and grandad are arguing so much and there is such a bad vibe at home.
everytime i talk to my girlfriend i feel so happy. she puts me back on track. i cant stand the thought of her with her any other guy. i am possesive over her. i would love to spend the rest of my life wid her. its not fair.

i keep drinking lately so that i can fall asleep and it is effecting my work. she is the best person i have ever met, so kind to others as well. but my parents have worked so hard for my, and a lot of hopes rest on my shoulders, such high expectations. they would be gutted. with the bad situation at home, if i were to tell them, i can imagine my parents getting grieve from my grandad as well saying 'your son is useless,' 'you havent brought up your children right.'

i dont think they would ever get over it. i am torn between 2 loved ones my family and my bestest friend. who i'd be so happy to spend the rest of my life with. we are so right for each other. i cant imagine being without her, at the same time it is not fair on her that i hang on even though i cant have her.

if i do what my family say, i will be unhappy i know.

please can you give me some advise. i have no one else to turn to.

thankyou.
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You are asking a very difficult question. Your parents are a part of a culture with old, traditional values. You are young and expanding your consciousness and views to embrace more than the old. To your parent's values, they are right and will always feel the way they do. You have to examine in your heart and consciousness what is right for your life. What do you want for your children? I would also go to the Matrimonial section of SikhNet and read the questions posted there. Discuss these questions with your friend. Seriously examine if you are right for each other. It is a good sign that she wants to know if marriage is in the picture. This shows that she is a girl of values and integrity. It is also not right to keep playing her along. A decision needs to be made one way or another. Perhaps separation for a while is a good idea. A main thing to look at is whether the two of you are compatible together for life. How will you celebrate holidays, raise your children and chose a place to live? Honestly look at the rest of your lives. She needs to examine all of this herself. Don't get caught up in the drama of your parents and your feelings. Really examine this situation neutrally and consciously. Ask Guru for guidance. GTKK