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Summary of Question:	My Approach To The Parents Of A Sikh Girl
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Thursday, 9/11/2003 9:44 AM MDT

Hello,

I am a young Muslim man that has been in a relationship with a Sikh girl. The relationship is everything I could've ever asked for and she is perfect in so many ways. A big part of what has drawn me to her stems from the values and virtues instilled to her by her faith and her parents. However at this point we have reached a situation where we must decide what to do with our relationship as her parents have no desire to even entertain the idea of a Muslim boy with their daughter. I am aware of the hatred that exists yet I fail to understand how I can be held accountable. Growing up as a Muslim we learnt many things about morality and oddly enough it was the teachings of Guru Nanak that we used to study at my mosque. His vision and devotion to humankind were as beautiful as any and though I am a devout Muslim I consider myself a great follower of his teachings. This hatred for Muslims that her family has can be justified nowhere in Guru Nanak's example and I'm finding it hard to understand how to approach her family with my desire to spend my life making their daughter happy. She is fearful of their reaction and I'm not sure what the best way is to speak to them other then from the heart. She has assured me that this will be no use so I suppose I am asking for your help to guide me in understanding the situation better and then devising a method for demonstrating my worth for their daughter.
I would appreciate any help you could offer on this subject. Thank you.

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REPLY
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Sat Siri Akaal. You are correct that there is nothing in Nanak's teachings that supports hatred of Muslims. Others reading this will disagree, but Siri Guru Granth Sahib includes the poetry of Shayk Fareed and Bhagat Kabeer, both Indian Muslims. If Nanak hated Muslims, he would hardly have bothered to collect their inspired poetry.

It could be her parents suffered directly at the hands of Muslims, perhaps during Partition.... For many Sikhs, our history with the tyrannical Mughals is enough to say never and no way to marriage with Muslims. There is also an understandable belief that a Sikh should marry a Sikh. Some are very fanatic about this. Even if you were willing to convert (have you considered this...? not my recommendation, just a thought), the fact that you are born as and raised Muslim works against you.

It sounds like you are trying to approach this with understanding and an open mind, but be aware that your relationship goes against all expectations her parents have of their daughter's life. There is a level at which this is parents running the lives of their children long after they are old enough to make their own decisions. But that's a tradition not easily broken.

I think that you both have nothing to lose by attempting to win their approval for your relationship. But I also pray that you be realistic that your girlfriend probably does not feel she could possibly go against her parents wishes and still keep her parents. You must also be realistic that they will worry too much about their agenda and how it looks in the eyes of extended family and community and simply not consider or approve her marriage to a Muslim. What I am saying is you may have to end the relationship. I have no other advice I can give you about winning their approval, other than to be yourself, act honestly, don't try to pretend to be something you are not. Keep your wits about you and perhaps don't be afraid to ask them where it is written in Sikh scripture that a Sikh cannot marry a Muslim.

Pray daily for guidance and strength. Good luck. God bless you,
-DKK