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Summary of Question:	Relaionship Problem
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Thursday, 3/15/2001 8:22 AM MDT

Hi my name is Manny, i live in England. Well my girlfriend and I were going out for two and a half years, she was jat and i am Ramgharia. We were very much inlove and wanted to get married, but there was always the problem of our caste difference that always worried her, it did'nt worry me, because I knew my parents would eventualy be ok with it. Anyway one day about four months ago she broke up with me, she told me that she had asked her mum about me, but her mum said 'no' to her marrying me and started crying, (obviously emotional blackmailing her). Anyway she called our relationship off, after this I tried so hard to presuade her that everything will be alright and told her to wait a while and ask again. I mean I never expected her to go against her parents but I at least expected her to try. But whatever I said to her, I could not change her mind, I even involved one of her friends to try to talk to her, but it never worked. I was absolutley devastated, i thought that if she loves me why does'nt sh

e at least try to be with me? I thought and still do think that everything we had meant nothing to her, I mean we used to see each other everyday. Because we were serious about each other and wanted to get married, we had sex.It was our first time for both of us, it soon became part of our relationship. Everything was so good. Anyway after we broke up about two weeks later I was talking to her friend, and her friend brought up the subject of us, she said that my ex girl said that there is no way that her future husband can find out that she has already had sex with me, i.e.is not a virgin, and that she has read loads of books, and there is no way that her husband can find out that she is not a virgin. On hearing this from her friend, I was really hurt, I could'nt believe that my girl could say such a thing. On hearing this thought I that making love with me meant nothing to her and it was maybe just some fun for her and I was just there to pass the time with, but from what her friend said to me, it seem

ed that all she was bothered about was her future husband. I was so devastated that she could say such a thing, and was hurt. I mean breaking up was one thing but saying something like this was disgusting. Anyway a few days later I went to talk to her at her friends shop, i had a few drinks but I was NOT drunk. I wanted to talk to my girl (ex) but non of her friends would let me talk to her, all i wanted to do was ask her if what her friend told me was the truth. But after begging her friends, they still would'nt let me talk to her, so I told them that if they don't let me talk to her that I would go to her house to talk to her, I only said this to scare them so that they would let me talk to her, but It did'nt work, so i just walked off home. Anyway later thet night, the friend in question went and told my girlfriends parents that I am hastling her and don't leave her alone, so they came to my house and told my parents to tell me to leave her alone in a respective manner, obviously they were under the i

mpression that I was harassing her, which I was not, All i wanted to do was ask her if what her friend said was true. Anyway, naturally I got pissed off that evrybody including my girlfriend (ex) had all got the wrong impression of me, so still I tried to sort it out and explain that I just wanted to say this to her, but everytime I try to approach her she just swears at me and hits me and actually blames me for everything. I mean I was hurt at what was said, i just wanted to know if she really said it, but everybody else got involved and have made me look like a fool.
Anyway since then I have tried so many times to try to explain this to her, but i always get the same response. What I want to know is does'nt a girls virginity mean anything to her?, I mean she was with me for two and a half years and everyday she told me that she loves me, what the hell has happened to all that? I mean can it just dissapear like that? Everytime she made love to me, does it really mean nothing? I really don't know anything anymore, this is always on my mind, and I feel really hurt. But in some twisted way she blames me for everything. I always ask myself, that after being with me and makeing love to me, how can she even think of marrying someone else? I mean she did'nt even try to be with me.

One day her friend said to me that my girl(ex) has now realised that we could have got married cause her dad was quite cool about the situation. Sometimes I think that she blames me to make herself feel better, I mean maybe she realises we had a chance to get married and now she thinks its destroyed she's blaming me so she feels better about herself and has no regrets. Cause she has told her friends a few times that she misses me and realises that we could have got married. I dont know whats going on in her head, everytime I try to talk to her, and just try to be friends she blames me and curses me all the time, she is like a different person and is so out of character. I dont know whats happened to her, and I know that its not my fault. Can a person really just stop loving you like that and can all the love we made really mean nothing to her? For two and a half years she said she loved me and wanted to marry me, but since that day she has done nothing but curse me. I dont know what to do as i cannot g

et this out of my head i try to keep myself busy but still, this is al I think about, please help!
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Reply
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Dear one,I can feel your pain, your dissappointment and confusion.

The Guru says that the real love in life is the love for God and the way we find this love is through the Guru. All the other loves are false, all other loves are in the realm of passion, attachment, greed, anger and pride. The Guru refer's to these as the 5 evil sisters, the relations, the 5 thieves, etc. When you invite one into your home, they all come to join you. Try reading from the Guru in English.....http://www.sikhnet.com/s/gurugranthsahib

Unfortunately for you, your love existed without the committment of marriage. The marriage of the 2 body's in the Anand Karaj with the Guru and Sadh Sangat creates a solid beginning for a lasting relationship. It sounds like your "ex" woke up to realize that she had the love but no marriage....she woke up to the reality that she had let go of her "grace".

This is not your fault. She did consent to the relationship. You are probably correct in saying that she blames you because it takes the pressure off of herself. Yes, she probably did love you very much at the time. But, as you say, that has changed. As far your concern for what you heard her friend say.....just forget it! You cannot get satisfaction from what someone else thinks they heard her say. And it does not even matter now. She is busy trying to 'save her face and reputation'. So, you must care for yourself and move on with your life.

You have been jilted...this happens to most of us sometime in life. We love someone who does not return our love. This is a common human experience. This may not take away your pain, but time does heal the wounds. Now you have the chance to take all this energy of dissappointment and love and direct it into a devotional activity.

Every time you find yourself getting angry or sad, just immediately take a long deep breath through your nose...hold it in as you mentally say..."Ek ong kar sat naam karta purakh nirbhou nirvair akaal murat ajooni saibhang gur prasaad Jaap aad sach hjugaad sach haibhee sach Naanak hosee bhee sach". Then slowly exhale. Do this 3 times or until you feel yourself quieting down.

For the next 40 days, inhale from your nose as you mentally recite this "Mool Mantra". Hold the breath in and mentally recite it again, then slowly exhale through the nose as you recite it mentally again. Do this for 11 minutes each day for the next 40 days without missing a day. If your mind wanders too much, look at the tip of the nose as you do this meditation. When you finish take 3 minutes to feel the power of this Gurbani, feel the protection and guidence of the Guru inside of you. Feel your internal love for your true self as well as feel your radiance.
You can use this disappointment to transform yourself for your own good and expansion. Accept this change in your life as a blessing from God and Guru and a new beginning to a greater experience of love in life.

Also, leave the alcohol. It will not help you at all.

May God and Guru ever bles you and guide you, SKKK