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Summary of Question:	Adultery
Category:	Other
Date Posted:	Thursday, 6/06/2002 4:36 PM MDT

hi there. first of all i would like to say that this site is wonderful. i have been reading the responses you have posted but i have not seen a similar quetion as mine. i have a HUGE problem. about 3 months ago my step-grandma told me that my grandpa had cheated on my grandma (b4 she passed away over 20 years ago.) the thing is that she did not mean to tell me but said she needed to talk to someone about it. after she told me i was stunned, confused, doubtful, angry, ashamed, and above all i felt betrayed. i have always felt the utmost respect for my grandpa and have even gone to him for advice on sikhism (he is baptised). however after learning about this i feel distanced from him. i feel angry and betrayed b/c i really trusted him and now i feel like i can't even trust my own family. he does not know that i know about his affair. what complicates things further is that my (step) grandma who i love dearly told me that he told her about his affair right after he married her...so she has gotten over it. 2 yrs ago my step-grandma was going through a rough time when my grandpa started phoning india to talk to his 1st wife's sister who is the woman that he had the affair with. my step-grandma told my mom 2 yrs ago and at first my mom did not believe it...b/c my grandpa is highly respected by all our relatives. the sickest part is that the affair continued from the time my mom's masi was unmarried to even after she herself got married. i also learned that my mom's masi claimed to my grandpa that my mom's cousin brother is actually her half-brother! i don't know what to do... my grandma told me about this during my final exams and i did really horribly on them b/c i couldn't concentrate. also i have confided in a doctor and my friend about this b/c i needed someone to talk to. for the first few days after i founf out i couldn't stop crying b/c i felt so bad for my step-grandma and my maternal grandma who passed away b4 i was born. what angers me is that he had this affair in the first place and esp. with his sis-ter-in law. to make matters worse i visited her and her husband in india with my family some years back and now i don't ever want to go to their village again. i felt like i couldn't confide in my mother b/c of the basti (embarrassment) she would feel knowing that i know about all this. i felt so lost i was getting behind in school with all my papers and finals coming up...and nobody understands. i kept telling everyone i was sick. should i tell my parents what i know? i don't know if my dad knows and i don't want to cause any problems b/w my parents. on the other hand, my parents always tell me that no matter how bad something is i should always share my feelings with them. also i have a brother who has no idea about the affair...and from time to time when i complain about how i can't stand grandpa he thinks that i'm the problem. also as i am 21 and approaching marriageable age, i find myself asking whether i can really trust any guy after this. i feel like i don't respect my grandpa anymore and i keep thinking about how he was sleeping and sneaking around with his sis-in-law. moreover, my parents have always talked about the problems in other people's families and how we r lucky to have no problems of our own...but after this i feel like no family is as messed up as mine. i also feel angry at my step-grandma b/c i had exams going on at the time & she kept saying how she just wanted me to forget everything and how she didn't want me to say that i did bad on my finals b/c of the stuff she told me. i now that this may sound selfish on my part, but the fact is that she already didcussed the issue with my mom so why did she have to tell me & now i have to live with this truth. i feel dirty b/c of what my grandpa did and i wish that he wasn't related to me. i even asked my step-grandma how she could live with him and she told me that she would have been the one stigmatized if she left him. another thing she told me was that my mama knew too but that he doesn't believe it and has always been close to his masi. I DO NOT DOU

BT MY GRANDMA b/c she has no reason to make it up & why would my own granpa have told such a sick thing to her if it wasn't true. i have tried to forgive & forget b/c i know that sikhism preaches that we shouldn't hate...but at the same time i still feel angry at him b/c my grandma said that he was calling india after his sis-inlaw's husband died & how he has had insomnia after he stopped calling her since then. to make matters worse, b4 i knew all this he told me how my maternal grandma was such a "nice lady". now looking back on his words i feel more resentment b/c if she was nice then why did he cheat on her? also, i have no respect left for my mom's masi b/c to me she is the equivalent of a prostitute and a number of other words that i don't wish to write here. ever since i learned the truth i feel lost in a sense. i have lost ambition and i feel so confused. since my trust was broken, i feel like i can't even trust my own relatives and that people are always putting on a front. i wish i could rewind time and go through life not knowing about this. it has become such a burden & i really think i would have fallen apart completely if it wasn't for God b/c that is where i found solace & i even asked him/her to help me forgive my grandpa. i know that the relationship i share with grandpa will never be the same & i am going to try to get past that b/c he is getting old now... pls provide any advice you can regarding this issue b/c i think that there may be other young adults out there like myself who were too uncomfortable to write on such a sensitive issue. also, i wish that people realize that the choices they make today may affect many people later on so please keep that in mind b4 you make rash decisions. thank-you and wahey guru ji ka khalsa, wahey guru ji kay fateh. p.s. pls don't print my e-mail; however your response may be publicized on the forum & feel free to e-mail me confidentially.

Dear Aishween,
My honest opinion is that you are going to have to get over the upset this has caused you. What your Grandpa has done in his life is between him and God. It includes this thing but also includes other things. It is not our place to say someone is good or bad. We are all walking individually on our path to God and whatever we do is just as God wills it. Nothing can happen without His command. If He wishes then we wander in Maya, and by His will we are saved and brought back to Him.
It must be very hard to feel you have been betrayed by your family; but know that people are made up of more than just one action. Your Grandpa has the same duality that all human beings are created with. He can be at one moment acting against his soul and at the same moment truly loving God. Whatever truth he has spoken in his life is still true with this development. Accept him and this lady as they are: creatures of God being led on their respective paths by God.
Don't let thier paths and choices ruin your life. You can still learn from your Grandpa and you can still love him as a human being caught in God's play. Now is the time for you to be able to see the truth for yourself. Put all of your hopes and trust in God and Guru alone, and love God's creation from a lofty, detached position.
Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa, Wahe Guru Ji Ki Fathe
GSKK