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Summary of Question:	White American Girl In Love With Sikh Boy
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Sunday, 6/13/2004 2:09 PM MDT

My boyfriend and i just recently broke up over some stuff that I think is really nonsensical. I have written to you in this forum before about ways to make an inter-racial relationship like ours work (I am white and he is punjabi). We still act like, talk like, and do things the same way as if we were together but we aren't. And then like everytime I try to talk to him about it he just tells me he doesn't want to talk about it and then gets all mad and starts yelling. We also have trust issues too...I used to work at an Indian resturant and he was not really happy with the fact that I was working with guys from Fiji because, "he knows how they act when they see girls..especially white girls..." and I can totally see why which was why I quit...and I hate it sometimes when hes with his cousins..I dont know why but I guess its maybe because I get jealous because im not there and they are having fun while im stuck at home..I dont know..What can I do to put myself at ease when he's with his cousins?. I know he will always be here for me as a friend but I want to be more than friends. I know im young but I KNOW for a FACT that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I am willing to sacrifice anything to make it work. He's always telling me, "You don't understand the punjabi culture..it would never work..I have to marry a Sikh girl...blah blah blah..." I know he just wants to make him mom happy and not dissapoint her...but shouldn't he think of himself too and try to make himself happy? He even told me he loved me and promised me that we would be together FOREVER...You dont tell someone you love them and promise them somthing like that if you KNOW you're going to HAVE to break up with them for cultural reasons. I know that it's really hard for him because his mom is always stressing him out about things like "where are you going," "who are you going with", "what time are you going to be back.." just things like that. I have put up with A LOT of stuff relating to him and im wiling to put up with more if thats what it takes. I want to be with him and im willing to TrY to work things out so why isnt he? I guess what im asking is, how can I make him want to talk to me CALMLY about where our relationship is going?

Thanks,
Erica

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reply
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Sat Siri Akaal. Frankly, you don't 'get him back.' There is little you can do, and if you spend time on this youth forum in the love/marriage section you will see the same thing over and over, whether it's white/punjabi, or Sikh/Muslim or SIkh/Hindu. It is very hard for Sikh youth or adults to go against their parents wishes, period, and a lot of parents have real opposition to intermarriage this way, which is as much about how the family is viewed in the local Indian Sikh community as anything. Some Indian youth do persist to go against their folks, but not without a fight. So, let this guy go; he decided not to fight or that he didn't really WANT to. You are still young, and this is not your last chance. I realize you are heartbroken, but let him go and your heart will heal, in time. You're right that it's ridiculous to get that involved knowing it's going to break up. In that sense, either the fellow wasn't playing straight with you, or perhaps he was not playing straight with himself until it came to discussions of permanence.

I know from your other post you want to learn about Sikh cultural values. Don't get involved with the Sikh community just to try to 'get him back.' It won't work and you will be taken for a floozy. Get involved because you really, in your heart, want to be Sikh (or at least check it out), but understand that just because Sikhs live in SoCal doesn't mean they left all their Indian cultural practices behind. God bless and guide you,
-DKK