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Summary of Question: | Confused.. |
Category: | Love & Marriage |
Date Posted: | Saturday, 9/24/2005 7:26 PM MDT |
yes. And I told them will you please talk to his family in a respectful manner. Well, that was all a trick also. They got his phone number from me and each one of my uncle's, my mama ji and including my mother cussed the guy. They said things to him that were unimaginable. It was horrible. Then they said to me "don't ever think you will be getting married to him because the answer is NO!" In the meantime my uncle that lives here (also my dad's brother) had talked to my dad and they agreed for my marriage with this guy. While this was being planned no one here knew that my relatives there had said those things to him. Once my mom found out my uncle and dad's agreement she refused. She said that she will never let this marriage happen. My uncle was the most convincing to her, but she didn't listen. She wouldn't even listen to my dad. Everything had calmed down for a couple of and then one day my aunt and I were speaking and I had told her that the reason my mom isn't agreeing is because she thinks that since I'm an American citizen and if I marry that guy he will divorce me after coming here. By the way, my boyfriend and I had spoken about this that if we want my parents to "believe" him that he won't divorce me that my boyfriend will put all of his assests into my name before marriage. So, that way my parents will have no problem and the trust issue wouldn't be a problem. Now, as soon as my mother found out about this she used it as an excuse against me. She said to me clearly..."will that guy put everything in your name" and I replied yes. She said, "pick up the phone, call him and tell him to do all of that and then she would be ready to willing to arrange the marriage." I did as I was told and spoke to my boyfriend, he was willing to put everything he had in my name including land, bank balance, house, car...all assests. He even told my mother that he would do it. So my mother gave him 1 week to discuss it with his family and of course his family disagreed. Exactly what my mother wanted...if he they didn't fullfill those requirements then...no wedding. She got what she wanted and that was no wedding. Well, in the meantime I had no communication with him but only told him 1 thing and that was "take as much time as you need to convince your family because my mother is not backing away from these demands." He agreed. I had 3 weeks left before coming back to the USA and in that time, without me knowing, my mother made my mama ji call my boyfriend and cuss at him and tell him that if he doesn't say no to me that they will kidnap my boyfriends younger sister. I came to know about all of this when I returned back here. There was much more of this petty drama up until the day I left but I won't get into that. Upon arriving back, my dad didn't even greet me the correct way. And my mother was still furious at me. The whole way home from the airport my dad did nothing but yell at me. Then the next day I had to go to my class but my dad said he wouldn't let me. Instead, he invited over my aunt & uncle and had a meeting. They gave me an ultimatum..."Either this guy puts everything in my name or I have to say no to him and never speak to him ever again." I agreed. That night we called him and my uncle spoke to him first and said..."Since you both agreed and it was your idea to put everything in my name then do that otherwise you can forget about getting married with each other." His response was that his family isn't agreeing to any of this so I had to ultimately say no to him and told him never again to contact me. And he agreed to do the same. After that was all said and done my parents and family are now arranging a marriage for me...they said they want me to get married as soon as possible to avoid me making the same mistake again. The twist in all of this is that my "boyfriend" and I are still speaking with each other every single day through e-mail and chat. He said that if my parents don't believe him, he will come to the USA on a student visa so that they will have no reason to think he will divorce me or that he only wan
ted to marry me because of my citizenship. I know in my heart that my parents still won't agree because of what has been said and done. Even if he does come here they will say no. My "boyfriends" response to me these days is..."run away from home, leave your parents when I come to the USA and we'll live our own life." Now I know I'm more mature than to do something that stupid as leaving my parents. I still really love this guy but I know for sure that there can be nothing between us. Even though I am talking with him everyday...in the end I know that we will both go our seperate ways in life. But he said he won't leave me because he loves me alot. And now I'm confused as to what I should do. I can't let go of this attachment, everyday its killing me. He keeps telling me to believe in God and that everything will be fine but I don't know what to do or think. My parents and I have an understanding now that if they pick someone for me the ultimate decision of yes or no is mine. But of course, I still haven't told my "boyfriend" that this is what my parents are planning. I don't know what I should do in this situation...is there any prayer...something...anything.
I apologize for this story for being so long, but I've finally let my feelings out and it feels good. Thank You for taking the time to read this and help me with this.
God Bless...WJKK WJKF...SSA
Sat Nam. I read your whole story, and it sounds like a really, really bad soap opera you are caught in. With all the drama and trauma, of course you can't think straight. The best thing I can suggest is that take some time out. Tell the man in India that you have to focus on clearing your mind. You don't really know him that well, despite the feelings that you have had for him, so to make any commitment to him would be foolish, it would be equally foolish to marry anyone else at this time. What you need to do is recite your banis every day and spend time meditating to focus on your own Self, so that your mind can become clear. Japji Sahib is especially useful for this. So be sure to recite it every morning. All this hullaballoo around you is confusing. Although you were born and raised in America, the strong cultural ties cannot be ignored. You indicate you don't want to leave your family, so again, don't do anything rash, one way or another. If this man actually has the best intentions, he will wait and give you time to pull yourself together. Just suppose you were to marry him, what sort of life would you have? what is his profession? His status? Would your family disown you? It's too much of a tangle to make any decision now. I have a great faith in Guru Ram Das, and so chanting DHAN DHAN RAM DAS GUR shabd, and praying for a miracle is another thing I highly recommend. May God bless you and Guru guide you so that you can rise out of this quicksand of emotion into devotion to God and Guru, and have a happy life. (Are you in college? Are you planning for a career? -- both are valuable things to do!) SP