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Summary of Question:	Confused..
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Saturday, 9/24/2005 7:26 PM MDT

SSA...I have been in need of advice for some time now and brought upon the courage to ask for it. I am a 20 y/o female living in the USA born and raised here. My parents are very traditional and strict. Last year I met a guy online that lived in India and we were only friends at the time. Then winter came along and my family and I took a trip to India. Prior to me leaving my friend had given me his phone number so that when I was in India I could contact him. I didn't note his number because I knew my strict family wouldn't approve of me speaking to a guy. Time went by and while I was in India I sent him an email asking him for his number because I missed talking to him. That was all done and I called him and we used to talk for sometime until I came back to the States. No one knew of our communication at that time. When I came back in Feb. he told me he had feelings for me; more than a friend. I was hesistant at the time to respond to him the way he wanted me to. But as time went by I realized that I had more feelings for him. So, we started communicating on the phone. He called me and I used to call him. So , then we were "more than friends" And actually he had told all of his family about me and they approved. I even spoke with his mother. Everyone on his side was fine with it. No one on my side of the family knew about this because I knew that my family would be furious with me. Anyways, so the summer of this year came and my mom, brother and myself went back to India (my dad stayed back this time). While in India I met this guy. Now this may seem odd but he came to my village (my chachi's and cousin-brother) was fine with it. Again, my mother & father still didn't know about him because at the time my mother was at her parent's house and had left me at my village for one week. Since I had the freedom and approval from my auntie and cousin it was a great time for me to meet him. He came to my village several times. All the times we met were all innocent...we went to the movies...went out to eat. They were just innocent dates we went on. Nothing physical. Then the day before I was to go back to my "nankay" I asked him to come meet me again and he agreed but my aunt said not to leave the house. So, we compromised and we hung out at my house. Everyone was there so it wasn't a problem until my uncle came home and came to know about this. The guy left and the next day I also left and went back to my "nankay" In the meantime my uncle called my dad and my other uncle that is here. He told them the biggest lie ever. He said that the boy came to "kidnap" me while he was visiting me. They said that since I was an NRI and American Citizen he wanted to kidnap me and ask for ransom money. That wasn't true at all. Well, then my dad called my "nankay" and yelled at me so much and actually my dad cried on the phone. Which did hurt me alot. He said that he had so much trust in me and that I should have told him about that guy. My mother was more furious than my father was. The reason for that is my mother is un-educated and my father is educated. He understands more than she does in a sense that we are living in the year 2005 and these things are common. But that didn't lessen his anger. The next day my mother called all of her sisters and my mama ji and everyone and myself had a meeting about this situation. My mother had made up more lies about the guy. She was doing this to make him look like a bad person. The one thing everyone was upset about was the fact that he came to our house. And that also before marriage. I still cannot understand why it is such a big deal. It was all innocent. Everyone was saying that I had brought shame to the family and that they wouldn't be able to show their face in the village again. So after all of that and during the meeting everyone was yelling at me and swearing at me. My mother even tried to choke me but I fought back. All I had kept saying was "I'm sorry and I know what I did was wrong." After everyone was cooled down they asked me..."Do you want to marry this guy?" And of course my answer was

yes. And I told them will you please talk to his family in a respectful manner. Well, that was all a trick also. They got his phone number from me and each one of my uncle's, my mama ji and including my mother cussed the guy. They said things to him that were unimaginable. It was horrible. Then they said to me "don't ever think you will be getting married to him because the answer is NO!" In the meantime my uncle that lives here (also my dad's brother) had talked to my dad and they agreed for my marriage with this guy. While this was being planned no one here knew that my relatives there had said those things to him. Once my mom found out my uncle and dad's agreement she refused. She said that she will never let this marriage happen. My uncle was the most convincing to her, but she didn't listen. She wouldn't even listen to my dad. Everything had calmed down for a couple of and then one day my aunt and I were speaking and I had told her that the reason my mom isn't agreeing is because she thinks that since I'm an American citizen and if I marry that guy he will divorce me after coming here. By the way, my boyfriend and I had spoken about this that if we want my parents to "believe" him that he won't divorce me that my boyfriend will put all of his assests into my name before marriage. So, that way my parents will have no problem and the trust issue wouldn't be a problem. Now, as soon as my mother found out about this she used it as an excuse against me. She said to me clearly..."will that guy put everything in your name" and I replied yes. She said, "pick up the phone, call him and tell him to do all of that and then she would be ready to willing to arrange the marriage." I did as I was told and spoke to my boyfriend, he was willing to put everything he had in my name including land, bank balance, house, car...all assests. He even told my mother that he would do it. So my mother gave him 1 week to discuss it with his family and of course his family disagreed. Exactly what my mother wanted...if he they didn't fullfill those requirements then...no wedding. She got what she wanted and that was no wedding. Well, in the meantime I had no communication with him but only told him 1 thing and that was "take as much time as you need to convince your family because my mother is not backing away from these demands." He agreed. I had 3 weeks left before coming back to the USA and in that time, without me knowing, my mother made my mama ji call my boyfriend and cuss at him and tell him that if he doesn't say no to me that they will kidnap my boyfriends younger sister. I came to know about all of this when I returned back here. There was much more of this petty drama up until the day I left but I won't get into that. Upon arriving back, my dad didn't even greet me the correct way. And my mother was still furious at me. The whole way home from the airport my dad did nothing but yell at me. Then the next day I had to go to my class but my dad said he wouldn't let me. Instead, he invited over my aunt & uncle and had a meeting. They gave me an ultimatum..."Either this guy puts everything in my name or I have to say no to him and never speak to him ever again." I agreed. That night we called him and my uncle spoke to him first and said..."Since you both agreed and it was your idea to put everything in my name then do that otherwise you can forget about getting married with each other." His response was that his family isn't agreeing to any of this so I had to ultimately say no to him and told him never again to contact me. And he agreed to do the same. After that was all said and done my parents and family are now arranging a marriage for me...they said they want me to get married as soon as possible to avoid me making the same mistake again. The twist in all of this is that my "boyfriend" and I are still speaking with each other every single day through e-mail and chat. He said that if my parents don't believe him, he will come to the USA on a student visa so that they will have no reason to think he will divorce me or that he only wan

ted to marry me because of my citizenship. I know in my heart that my parents still won't agree because of what has been said and done. Even if he does come here they will say no. My "boyfriends" response to me these days is..."run away from home, leave your parents when I come to the USA and we'll live our own life." Now I know I'm more mature than to do something that stupid as leaving my parents. I still really love this guy but I know for sure that there can be nothing between us. Even though I am talking with him everyday...in the end I know that we will both go our seperate ways in life. But he said he won't leave me because he loves me alot. And now I'm confused as to what I should do. I can't let go of this attachment, everyday its killing me. He keeps telling me to believe in God and that everything will be fine but I don't know what to do or think. My parents and I have an understanding now that if they pick someone for me the ultimate decision of yes or no is mine. But of course, I still haven't told my "boyfriend" that this is what my parents are planning. I don't know what I should do in this situation...is there any prayer...something...anything.
I apologize for this story for being so long, but I've finally let my feelings out and it feels good. Thank You for taking the time to read this and help me with this.
God Bless...WJKK WJKF...SSA

Sat Nam. I read your whole story, and it sounds like a really, really bad soap opera you are caught in. With all the drama and trauma, of course you can't think straight. The best thing I can suggest is that take some time out. Tell the man in India that you have to focus on clearing your mind. You don't really know him that well, despite the feelings that you have had for him, so to make any commitment to him would be foolish, it would be equally foolish to marry anyone else at this time. What you need to do is recite your banis every day and spend time meditating to focus on your own Self, so that your mind can become clear. Japji Sahib is especially useful for this. So be sure to recite it every morning. All this hullaballoo around you is confusing. Although you were born and raised in America, the strong cultural ties cannot be ignored. You indicate you don't want to leave your family, so again, don't do anything rash, one way or another. If this man actually has the best intentions, he will wait and give you time to pull yourself together. Just suppose you were to marry him, what sort of life would you have? what is his profession? His status? Would your family disown you? It's too much of a tangle to make any decision now. I have a great faith in Guru Ram Das, and so chanting DHAN DHAN RAM DAS GUR shabd, and praying for a miracle is another thing I highly recommend. May God bless you and Guru guide you so that you can rise out of this quicksand of emotion into devotion to God and Guru, and have a happy life. (Are you in college? Are you planning for a career? -- both are valuable things to do!) SP