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Summary of Question:	How Can I Stop Loving The Person I Am Not Alllowed To
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Monday, 1/13/2003 3:27 PM MST

Dear all,

I would like to start by thanking you in advance in hearing my troubles. I am most grateful that such a site exists wherby I can truely express my feelings and thoughts.

I have had a very happy and successful life till date, always loved my family, friends, performed top the best standards in all academic and sporting activity and have generally been a very happy, enthusiastic and god-fearing girl. I have always turned to god to help me ever since i can remeber, every time i felt sad or alone inside I have always turned to our waheguru to help and i have always been happy thereafter.

I have always loved and respected my parents, tried my best to be the best daughter they could hope for. But all through my life i have always turned to god whenever i feel sad, lonely or scared of anything, and although i loved and trusted my parents, i have never felt the need to turn to them to help me because i always felt a stronger happiness when i turned to god. I dont know if i have done the right thing in not opening up to my parents as much as they wanted, but i have always loved my faith and it has laways helped through my troubles.

But i am scared of the way i think sometimes in that i feel i love god so much, i have always seen all the people in this world coming from the same god amd i have made the mistake of fallin in love with a person that my parents will never accept. I have been to hell and back with all the problems i have had to face at home because i cant see myself without him. i always prayed that my parents would accept him and i was so happy because i was convinced god would help me again. My family have told me that god will never help me, they have told me i am a bad sikh and i should stop thinking and making decisions for myself and only listen to them when it comes to the person i marry. They have threatened me many times to stop thinking about him and every time i try and control my mind to stop thinking i become very depressed, have lost my enthusiasm and energy for life like i used to before. Every time i pray for help and happiness i find hope again can only see another attempt to try and live the life i would love to: me, my family, and the person i love all together and happy for each other.

I dont like the way things have changed in my life, my family scared me so much and convinced me that all i had ever thought about god and religion was wrong. I began to question my faith and my whole focus and hope in life was lost. I will always turn to god for help, but now im scared god wont even help me and i will be left all alone again. I wish there was a simple answer...please help me if u can.
(REPLY) Sat Nam. I also wish there were a simple answer! but unfortunately, there is not. There are several things to think about. To start with, our faith can't be based on God giving us everything we want! Sometimes our emotions are so strong that they pull us in a direction that may not be the best for us, yet we insist, and God may let us make that choice, but maybe not. Relying on God and Guru is never wrong! It is ideal, but again, you are mixing apples and oranges in this situation. Faith in God doesn't guarantee that you can be happy married to someone of whom your family disapproves. I'm not saying it's wrong or right, just that "being in love" isn't enough on which to base a lifetime partnership. If God and Guru mean so much to you, why would you consider marrying anyone who doesn't share your same approach to religion? Have you tried offering an Ardas, and then taking a hukam to see what the Guru wants to tell you? Do you spend time actually reading from Siri Guru Granth Sahib? Are you doing your banis every day? You see, I don't know what you mean by loving God. What is your concept of God? And yes, of course all people come from God, but we live in a world of social customs and relationships with family and friends. And although these relationships are not permanent -- we know the only permanent relationship is with God and Guru, we are wise to try to live in harmony and happiness, and not make choices that will lead to sorrow for ourselves and our families. Is there any chance that the man you are interested in would/could become a Sikh? Would that make him acceptable? Have you thought about how you would raise your children? Giving children two parents who share the same faith is essential for the emotional security and spiritual health of any child. Remember, the prime virtue in living as a Sikh, is kindness. Give yourself time, and try to get more of a perspective on the ultimate purpose of life, which is to experience the God within us. So long as our happiness depends upon any outside person or relationship, we will never succeed in achieving that purpose. There's nothing wrong in loving and being loved, so long as we keep it all in perspective, and make sure that it truly is according to God's will, not just our personal desires and emotions. May God and Guru bless you with wisdom and bring light into your vision of the future. SP