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Summary of Question:	Re: Can The Sikh Boy Date With Nonsikh Girl Before Marriage
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Monday, 10/08/2001 6:48 AM MDT

Sat Sri Akal,

In reply to a question sent regarding 'Can the sikh boy date with a nonsikh girl before marriage'.

I do not totally agree with the reply that you have given to this question

You replied:

"If you are baptised, then why do you want to date? Lust is one of the things you should overcome, and there is no other reason to date. If you are looking for a marriage partner, then do you want a nonsikh wife?"

-There are plently of reasons to date and not just lust. If you are dating for the reason of lust, then it maybe considered wrong. But you may go on a date to get to know the person better, because you may share a common interest, or you may find the person to be good around and possibly, attractive, not just from the outside but also the inside. The persons personality may shine through and this may be another reason. It shouldn't really matter if a baptised sikh wants to marry a nonsikh wife. If he/she marries a sikh wife, that is good. If he/she marries a nonsikh wife, this is also good as long as the sikh stays with his/her principles and with sikhi. This may eventually 'rub off' on the nonsikh spouse and they may deciede to become baptised. Also, the nonsikh's family may also get interested! In this way, you will be spreading the word of Khalsa. Like the saying goes in one of the paaths, "Raj karega Khalsa". How else will Khalsa reign if no-one knows about the religion!


"A baptised Sikh needs to follow the path of the Guru. Control yourself from Kaam, Krodh, Moh, Lobh and Ankar. In present times, the whole point of dating is to eventually have sex, do you want to be a person like that? What do you think about a baptised Sikh marrying a non-Sikh? If you want to eventually marry a Sikh, then why date a non-Sikh? That's probably due to lust. And if you want to date a Sikh, will you have sex with her before marrying her?

-The whole of dating is not to have sex. This is a totally American and westernised view you have dating. Although I have not been out on a date before, I know that if I do, I will not have sex before marriage, whether she is sikh or not.

"If you want to eventually date Sikh women to find out if you're compatible, then you should probably only go out as friends. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have any contact with women, Sikh or not. But think about who you are and where you want your life to go. Is it proper for a baptised Sikh to date? Dating is different than being friends and doing things together, just think about how you want to be seen as a Sikh."

If you know you are doing the right thing and that your intentions are honourable, then go for it! But if you know that deep down inside, it is lust that is making you go on a date, then this is wrong.

Thank you

Sat Sri Akal!

Baljit Singh
[email protected]

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REPLY
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Sat Sri Akal,

In the Western world, dating means one man and one woman spending time together because they find each other attractive. This can eventually lead to many things which you are probably aware of.

If you want to be friends with anyone (regardless of gender, age, etc.) it is not considered dating then. There are many replies on this forum encouraging all sorts of friendship, but when someone asks if dating is okay for a baptised Sikh, then obviously that means that this is something more than friendship. And this "something more" is where the problems of society start. All you have to do is watch "Judge Judy" to see all the problems dating creates.

Additionaly, it is true that a Sikh can marry a non-Sikh and that the spouse might start to like Sikhism. However, this also works the other way around. The Sikh might be led astray just as well. The importance of marrying a Sikh is, concisely, twofold, 1) To give you support and deeper understanding of Sikhism and 2) To raise your kids in a uniform Sikh manner.

Point 1) is clear, it is easier to do something if someone else is doing it. This is also like satsangat. You get more support and more respect for your own religion if your spouse follows it just as much as you.

Point 2) is very important. A baptised Sikh signifies to me that this person deeply believes in Sikhism and wants his children to believe in Sikhi. If his wife is not a Sikh, what message will the children receive? Will you go to a church one week and a gurdwara the next? Where will the stability be gained as the child is growing?

Dating is not just being friends. You can do things with males and/or females in a group or alone, as long as it is just friendship. Dating means you find someone attractive, and that is just one step away from lust (how? It is hard to stay on the rightoeus path. Maybe you'll give an allowance and say I'll just be friends with a cute girl. And then you'll say, well, we go out to eat once a week anyway, let me kiss her, that won't be too bad (and now you've strayed off the path a little). Then you think maybe I'll hug her too this time, it's just a hug and last time I kissed her, and so you stray off the path even more. Each time you move further away from the path, it becomes easier and easier to do more things that you shouldn't).

If you want to find someone to marry, go out and have a fun time. Become friends. What better person to marry than a friend, rather than someone who is just good looking and a good kisser?

Gur Fateh,
HSD