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Summary of Question:	Confused
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Thursday, 8/01/2002 10:54 AM MDT

first of all i would like to say this is a remarkable site and the answers to some of the other questions posted are really insightful and moving.

i am in a dilemma.
i have a boyfriend. in the indian culture when these words are said people tend to think very negatively about it. but i can tell you that i am very religious, and am not the type date regularily. but i do believe that in this time and age the typical arranged marriages do not work because you do not know the person at all and they can hide their true corrupt selves. you need to get to know the person you are marrying before you marry them to see if you two are meant to be. all this being said, it is hard for a young mind to figure out what is love and what is lust. but i know i love him for real.
my boyfreind and i have been going out for about a year and our personalities go together really well. we have told each other we love each other. he is sikh but does not ever go to gurdwara, or anything of the sort, but he does beleive in god. i think religion is a very personal thing and i am very religious, i do patth every day. but i never preach to him or tell him what he should or should not do because he is a very good human being (doesnt drink, smoke, treats people well, etc) BUT he does not believe in the religion as much as i do. we have had many arguements about the significance of keeping hair, and other gurus teachings but he just does not understand and practically states that he will never grow his hair or totally follow sikhism. that really hurts me. but as i said, i do not preach to him.
what should i do? religion is very important part of my life. if i see differences in his and my outlook on religion, should i end the relationship now so i do not prolong it and end up hurting him worse in the end? or should i just continue to believe what i believe and let him do what he wants to? but then when marriage comes along how can we unite spiritually when it is a one sided thing? or am i making a big deal out of nothing?
please help me
dhan guru nanak

(REPLY) I'm sorry to say, it IS a big deal! Right now it may not make too much difference, but if you marry and have children, then what? His attitude does not seem to support your commitment to living righteously according to the Sikh religion, and though he may "believe" in God, and is, as you say, a good person, the deepest bond between husband and wife, and the thing that keeps a marriage strong through the years is a shared faith and spiritual practice. Marriage to us is ideally the union of two bodies with one soul. And that doesn't happen without some work to establish that bond! Unless he changes dramatically -- which is doubtful -- I think you will end up being sad and disillusioned over time if you continue in your relationship. We can't - and shouldn't "make" anyone religious, but we are much better off sharing our lives with someone who respects and supports our commitment. May God bless you and Guru guide you! SP