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Summary of Question:	Love, Attachment, Letting Go
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Friday, 4/19/2002 10:09 PM MDT

Vaheguru ji ka khalsa, Vaheguru ji ki fateh

I have a very close friend who I talk to on the net quite often. We live very far apart but she is still like a sister to me. She has a big problem, and I have come here to get some advice for her.

She's currently in a very harmful relationship, and she knows it's harmful, yet is too attached and "in love" with her "mate" to let go of the relationship. The reason it is harmful is because the guy is firstly totally sikh - he has had multiple partners and even forced other partners to go through abortions, etc. Most of the girls who he has trapped in his spell have lost their sense of self and their dignity.
My friend not only lost all of that because of this man, but she also lost her Amrit.
Because of him she stopped wearing her dastaar, and lost her rahit totally. Sometimes she says "i know for sure that i'm going to leave him now" and at other times she says "i know for sure that he is the one i'm going to marry, he's my mate."

This friend of mine, it seems like me and her have a special bond, even though our age difference is so large. I really hate to see her go through all of this. She rarely does paat and is ashamed even to go to the Gurdwara because she thinks that most of the people know about her breaking her rehit. She tries really hard not to call him, but finds herself thinking about him always and she said that she calls him still and a few days ago she even visited his work place - just to see if he was there.

She used to be such an inspirational Singhnee, and now because of this person she has lost everything. Sometimes she is happy, yet most of the time she is feeling down and misses him. She admitted that a lot of it is Kaam, but there is loads of attachment involved, and she does not want to lose her "mate."

She even knows he is wrong and knows she could be better off without him, but can't live without him. She has tried to change him before and he had made tons of promises to get into Sikhi, but he still abuses her and treats her like crap. He even physically hits her, and not uncontrolably, as she fights back.. But it's still wrong.

Is there any advice you have for my bhainjee, any way she could regain her strength and get some guidance? She needs self control and the strength to leave him, which is a very very hard thing to do. Any advice would be appriciated! Also, do you know of any place where she could find out about the Sikh organizations or groups or kirtan's in her area - somewhere where she could get other Sikh Youth sangat?

Thank-You from the bottom of my heart.
God Bless and Chardee Kalaa!!

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reply
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Sat Nam. This girl sounds like she is addicted to this guy out of her own neediness and feelings of emptiness. The best thing for her would be to walk away from him and get on with her life. She needs support to do so. She needs to get her strength and fulfillment from within. You didn't mention where she lives, so I can't offer you gurdwaras she can go to, etc. Is she in school, works? She needs to find her own value and feel good about herself...for herself. She needs to have her own identity. Becasuse I don't know where she lives, I don't know what resources are available for her. If she is in the US, she could get some counseling to explore the things I just mentioned. You are welcome to email me directly, or have her do so. [email protected]

It is very important that you keep your relationship strictly like a friend, or sibling of destiny. This girl is very needy and dependent. You want her to develop her strength from within, not transfer that dependence on you. And you need to be very clear about your reason for helping her. Do you have any hidden agenda about wanting her to be dependent on you because it makes you feel good about yourself? You must encourage her own strength and independence.

May Guru guide you always. GTKK

Vaheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Vaheguru Ji Ki Fateh!