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Summary of Question:	Why Cant We Be Together?
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 5/05/2004 5:38 PM MDT

I have been dating a Sikh for 1 year now and we are madly in love (bare in mind that I'm white). There's one problem though; we have to end our relationship becuase he "doesnt know how he will tell his mom" and "what she might do." I'm so confused with this whole situation. I mean, not to sound all conceited or anything, but I HONESTLY think his mom would like me. The rest of his family knows about me...his cousins and his sister...and they all like me and we all get along. I have already put a lot of thought into converting to Sikhism (not just to get accepted by his family). Wouldn't a mother want her son to be happily married to whom ever HE wants to be with or would she much rather stick him with someone he barley even knows? I mean I guss I just dont understand all of this stuff yet. We are still very young and have a long time to talk or to even start thinking about marriage but its just something thats always been on my mind. What can I say to him? What can he say to his mom? What are the chances of it actually working out? What can I do to be accepted?...If you could answer those questions that would be GREAT!!! Thank you!

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Yes, you are in a very difficult situation, because you are dealing with cultural issues, which are deeply ingrained. I don't know you or your Sikh friend. I am going to ask you some questions to get you to think and I am going to tell you a little about the Sikh culture in relation to relationships. I'm sorry but you may not like what I am going to say. First, relationships between a male and female out of marriage are not encouraged. Times are changing, but traditionally, it was this way. Sikh girls have been conditioned to think this way and therefore usually, depending upon her family, where she lives, etc. "try" to avoid relationships until she is atleast engaged and preferrably married. Young Sikh men are like any other young man... their harmones are raging. If they can "get" a girl they are tempted. I'm not saying all young Sikh men, but many. So, my questions to you are...how do you know that he really cares for you?...have you had sex with him? I know many cases of Sikh men who have a "fling" with a white girl, because her culture does not prevent her from having relationships with guys before marriage, but she can get just as hurt and "think" that there is commitment, when, infact there is not. Many times Sikh guys experiment with non-Sikh girls...BUT when it comes to marriage they choose a Sikh girl. If you have had sex with him, it is a BIG mistake, because in the Sikh culture, sex is reserved for marriage, and many times if a girl has sex before marriage, she is considered "damaged goods." I'm not saying I agree with this or even that all Sikhs believe this, but it is very, very prevalent in the Sikh culture and tradition. So, you need to ask yourself if this guy really cares about YOU or is he just wanting to "get" what he can for the time being, but when it comes to a long-term commitment, he is going to run back to his Sikh heritage.

I know this is very hard for you to understand, because you have been raised differently. In the Sikh tradition, usually the mother rules. By what you have said, this guy's mother rules. If he is not willing to stand up for you to his mother now, your life will be a hell, believe me. This would only be the beginning. How you raise your children, where you live (maybe even with her), everything will be monitored and judged by her. I'm not saying that this is going to happen, but the fact that he is "afraid" to tell his mother is a huge indication about who rules his life. Bottom line, it is not his love for you.

What is my advise for you? Give him a choice...either he tells his mother and stands up for you or you are "out of there." Leave now before things get more entangled. Go on with you life. Let him go and go back to his culture. From what you have said, he is not going to be able to stand up to his mother. It's better you know this now. Can you imagine trying to live your life with his mother's judgment and control over every action of yours? Do it now. You have to understand, this is not uncommon in the Indian culture. The mother in-law ules and usually makes like hell for the daughter in-law. It is this way even in modern, prosperous families. So, be careful and investigate the situation before you make any decisions.

I'm truly sorry if I have offended anyone, but this has been my experience. Hopefully, in many Sikh families, this is not the case any longer. Blessings. GTKK