Previous
Next
Ask a Question| Previous | Next | Ask a Question |
| Summary of Question: | A Tormented Soul |
| Category: | General Sikhism |
| Date Posted: | Tuesday, 8/03/2004 3:55 AM MDT |
i myself am one of those confused youth that you deal with day in, day out. im sorry, i know you would have answered all the questions i am about to pose to you millions of times.. but i still need someone to tell me. and in the society i live in... i cannot turn to anyone else.
my family is what you could call one of the few remanining 'fully keshdari' families. none of us at all cut our hair. the backbone of our family would be my grandfather and grandmother, who brought up all their 3 sons successfully with a meagre income, and through difficult times, in which people found it hard to accept 'the boys with turbans'. all 3 sons turned out fine, and were much-sought after on the 'marrige market' of the local community, as they were deemed to be excellent catches, because of the way they were brought up, and the tremendous respect that their parents commanded in society. i scarcely , un-ashamedly can say that ive never seen as tight-knit and powerfully bonded family as mine. my parents may not be rich, and they may not be all that much socially-inclined ..but we as a family are respected for being decent people.
now my grandparents are old. i am 19 years old. my brother was kavendeep. he wrote to you before, regarding his career as a pilot. i say was.. because he is dead. he died in a car crash which killed him instantly.. they found alcohol in his car, but only a few my family know about is (those excluded include my grandparents and parents). fantastic way for an aspiring air force pilot to die huh. and now... my grandfather who never drank, smoked, badmouthed anyone, or even raised a hand in anger against his sons, is suspected of having cancer. my grandfathers brothers were killed in riots in india. his grandson was killed in a car crash. now his health deteriorates, and he suffers in pain. and his childeren, and his grandchildren, can only watch the old soldier wither away in pain and agony.
we kept the hair. we dont cheat people in business. we dont smoke. we dont drink. we dont carry tales. i live a comfortable life, and so do the rest of my cousins. we were always taught that by doing good, good will come to us. I NEVER ASK FOR ANYTHING EXCEPT THAT MY FAMILY BE GRANTED GOOD HEALTH IN MY PRAYERS. i personally may not be a saint. ive commited my share of sins. but so does every living soul. but.... nothing to bring this much pain on my family.
today i stand and look in the mirror. i used to see a happy boy who thought he knew how the world worked. he knew that even though he had done wrong things, he was truly sorry, and Babaji would forgive him if he was honestly sorry. now i see a bitter, tormented face who wonders why the hell did he waste all these years of his teenage life living on the so-called 'right side' of the lines.. thr lines of religion, the lines of limits. why the hell didnt i cut my hair, smoke, drink and womanize like the rest of the so-called sikh youth who treat me differently because im hairy and dont freak out at parties? i mean.. whats the difference right? i was given a good home, a comfortable life. so were they. but i stuck as much as i could to Guru's teachings and my family traditions. they didnt. yet at the end of the day.. my parents, uncles, grandmother..they all suffer, they all cry everyday.
i stand physically still a 'sikh'. with the beard. and turban. and kara. not drinking alcohol. praying to God. and the rest. simply for the sake of my family tradition. i long to become a rebel. to show my anger, my frustration.. to cut my hair, to smoke, to do all those other bloody taboo things. u may think im silly, u may think im a loser teenager who is just too cowardly to be a sardar and all that. but truthfully, i no longer have the strength to believe. no longer have the strength to have faith in the God who leaves my family in suffering. maybe not poverty, but the emotional pain of seeing a loved one wasting away. if it really was dadaji's time to go..... WHY LIKE THIS? WHY? WHY? WHY?!?!? while other peoples dadajis who drank alcohol and smoked and had affairs with other women sit in their pubs and laugh the night away??
i have to be 'strong', i tell myself. i have to show faith. i have to act like the oldest grandson.. i must be strong. if i show weakness, and fall to the 'path of the misguided sikhi munday' as my mom so eloquently puts it... then i might be responsible for the rest of my cousins following suit. one after another abandoning the sikh faith because of my actions (they all looked up to me and kaven) ... but why should i live a lie, and pretend to believe in something which i honestly dont think i can anymore ?
if i offend you with anything i say, im sorry. but this is the most truthful represtentation of how i feel. thank you.
***********
reply
*************
Sat Siri Akaal. One can live the purest life ever,eat the purest food ever, drink the purest water ever, and keep their paath and still get cancer. Indeed, one can also get sick from cancer by abusing one's health. Every body is different, and immune systems vary. Your grandfather's cancer is karmic as much as anything else. Read your Siri Guru Granth Sahib. There is an account to be paid every time we embody. Illness is one way to finish clearing the account. Don't blame your grandfather, don't blame Guru. Accept it. Appreciate his presence and wisdom while you still have it. We all die sometime. The key to life is to live each day as if it were the last, loving God and His creation and serving it.
What will rebellion do for you? Do you really think it will heal you? I'm not going to tell you to keep your hair or not, but I will validate the anger and powerlessness you feel inside. Rebelling against what you see, when the plan is so much greater than what we can know, well---what's that going to do for you? Won't it just move you into a guilt phase rather than free you?
Understand that grieving involves all the things you have been feeling. If you really believe that Sikhi has betrayed you, then perhaps you should stop and move on and move out. But it hasn't. Sikhi teaches us that everything happens for a reason, whether or not we understand it. Sikhi teaches us that the true medicine for our pain and suffering is remembering the naam, which when practiced daily clears and calms the mind. Sikhi has not betrayed you, your mind and perhaps a lack of practice of the substance of Sikhi have. There is a big difference between 'having faith' and 'practicing faith.' Have you been practicing faith or just pretending?
So, be bold. Go home and as the eldest son insist that your family make time for Guru and the Naam daily. Bring some light and divine love into the household by bringing love of Guru into the whole family in a real and practical way. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and turn your depression and anger outward by action. Read the SGGS daily, and see what Guru says about meditation, karma, and forgiveness. And oh yes, a little daily physical exercise will also help ease your emotions. Guru ang sang,
-DKK
A Tormented Soul (08/03/2004)