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Summary of Question:	My Fiance's Previous Affair
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Saturday, 5/11/2002 7:32 AM MDT

Hi,

I visited this site few days back only and I really really liked this site. I have a personal problem. I hope u will help me in this regard.

I am an Indian.I got engaged few days back. Infact she was the first girl I ever saw and we got engaged after few days. After around 1.5 months of our engagement we came very close to each other and I said her I Love u and she told me that she loves me too. However after few days she told me that she had a lover and she wanted to marry that person but due to family restrictions she couldnt marry that person. I was a bit of confused and liked my fiance a lot at that time and asked her weather she loves me now more that that person. she told me that I love u now more than that person and I have already burnt all love letters etc. She told me that she hasnt gone beyond kissing and hugging with that person. It was a shock to me but at that time,I told her that leave the past and I think we can live together. Upon hearing this from me she was very happy and told me that she is very lucky to get such a husband and my family.

At that time I agreed to marry her despite her affair and she was infact very happy to know that. Next day I was upset because of this and when my parents asked me what is the problem and told them the whole story. They supported me on my decision and asked me to marry her only. One thing I like to clear that my parents and me, both accepted her not because of any financial benefit or any thing like that but it was totally because my parents specially my mother was very keen and suggested me to marry her as they like her and her family a lot. I infact felt at that time like Guru ji is asking me to marry her and support her as if I will leave her life she would be totally disturbed. I personally feel that she will never marry her previous lover as he was not even having the guts to come and convience her parents or even talk to them over phone. She tried to convience her parents alone and they didnt agreed for her marriage with that person. Moreover they stopped all communication 2 years back.


However, after few days only I was not able to sleep properly and whenever I saw any boy-girl together I started thinking that my fiance must me wandering like that with some person and it hurts me a lot. Sometimes I feel my self very inferior to her previous lover thinking that he was able to attract her even though he was from different religion and even against advice of her best friend. It may be because I had crush in my life but I was not succesful in that. I felt myself inferior as I was not able to have an affair during my young age. Such type of thinking sometimes hurt me a lot and I couldnt sleep properly and keep on thinking abt this only. Now even after more than one month I am not able to forget this and sometime I am able to sleep properly. After seeing my situation my parents sometime told me that its better to leave her but I refused to do so as I know I have done kissing and hugging and spend some very loving moments with her,thats why I cannt leave her and I know if I will say no to her it will be very very difficult for her to accept it and moreover I have given commitment to her that I will marry her only. Once I asked if I will not marry her then what she will do, she told me that its now u in my life or nobody else. I keep on meeting with her even though I was not in proper shape of mind thinking that time will correct and why should I leave good time that I can spare with her, but I am finding it difficult to completely forget it. Sometimes I feel OK and but next day I feel hell lot of depressed and keep on thinking abt her affair only.

Now about myself, I am a very very sensitive person. I always tries to help people wherever I can. People usually say that I am a very good and helping person. I donate my blood regularly as it give me satisfaction and good feeling. People have view abt me that I am very innocent, clear from heart but very immature too. My family members say that I am very immature
thats why I am thinking abt it a lot. Apart from this I was not fully prepared to get married mentally and immediately after engagement I went into some sort of depression and I had extermly -ve attitude towards life. I infact visited a psychologist for this reason but left him in between thinking I am OK. I had such a depression few years back in which I keep on thinking very imaginary and -ve attitude towards life. However I was able to come out of that situation without any psychitarist help and infact came back even stronger in life.

Now abt my fiance,I think she is very innocent otherwise a clever girl might have had not told me all this. Her mother told her not to tell me even abt kissing and hugging but she still told me abt that too as she dont wanted to hide anything from me. She loves me a lot now. I personally feel she dont lie and says that I really,Babaji ki kasam ,love u and says that now I have understood real meaning of love. She is really very happy to have me and wanted to spend her rest of life with me.

In all I am not normal as I sometime think to leave her, but I know its not possible for me to leave her and infact its seems difficult to accept her too. If I will leave her I dont know what will happen to her and incase something wrong happens then I will not be able to forgive myself and I will feel that I am failed in this crutial test that Guru ji have given to me. I am not able to concentrate in my professional life because of this and people says that I have changed a lot.

I am very very thankful to u for readin my case.

In case u need any further clearification pls let me know.

____________________________________________________________________________

Sat Siri Akal, ji.

Ok. Let's talk very frankly about some things.

First-sexual attraction is a very normal part of growing up. What a person does with that energy says a lot about that person. Your fiance did not act perfectly, but she did show restraint. Calling it an "affair" is really exaggerating the situation. She had a boyfriend. It was an attraction. It started before you even met her. It's over. You need to see the situation clearly for what it is.

Second, she had the courage to be honest with you about her boyfriend. Now-in marriages, sexual attraction will eventually fade, but honesty is a character trait that lasts for a lifetime. In your marriage, I can guarantee two things: one-that both of you will make mistakes along the way. And 2. the habit to communicate honestly and respectfully with each other is the only way to make it through the mistakes. A woman who has the courage to risk being honest with you is a rare and precious woman. There are plenty of women in the world who would have hid the situation from you. She didn't. This speaks tremendously in favor of her character.

Third, the anxiety you are feeling is because of some insecurity within yourself and it really doesn't have to do with her at all. This is also very normal. When we find someone we enjoy being with, we subconsciously wonder, "Will this person stay with me? Will this person be true to me? Am I good enough to be loved?" This is the game your mind is playing on you and it is eating you up. There is no solution to this except meditation. Meditate to clear your own insecurity. No matter what your wife says or does, she will never be able to make you feel secure about who you are as a person. But the Guru can give you a sense of your own value, and that is what you need.

Lastly, you must understand what a marriage is. A marriage is not what you think it is. A marriage is when two souls agree to be mirrors to each other, and help each other work out their karma together to find the dharma, to find God. Marriage will push all of your buttons, and hers, too. When you can decide to be partners of the spirit and know that you are walking a path of life together to serve each other in the name of God and Guru, then you will find a lot of coziness and happiness in your home. A marriage is not about romance and fairy tales. She cannot make you happy. You cannot make her happy. But by relying on the Guru, you can make yourself happy and share it with each other.

Something that can help is to meditate on the shabd: Guru Dev Mata, Guru Dev Pitta. You are trapped in the maya of insecurity, and maya cannot get you out of it. Let the Guru give you a base of security.

I wish you all luck and all the best. There are no easy answers in life, but that's all right. It's the difficult moments that test our character and allow us to become the best and brightest we can be.

Sincerely,

GPK