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|Monday, 7/31/2006 7:19 AM MDT
the first thing i want to say is that trying to forget your past is the wrong thing to do. this is what is causing alot of misery and conflict within you. You need to face up to the past, not run away from it. only then will you learn to deal with it and so put an end to this turmoil.
in Japji Guru Nanak says "sunia, dukh pap ki nas"- 'listening, pain and error meet their end'. You need to LISTEN to your past, your thoughts and your memories, so that you can understand them. This is the essential part of the healing process.
if you can understand the reality (sach) of what has happened to you/what you have done in the past- why it happened, why you responded the way you did, how it made you feel then and how you feel now- you will find that this has an amazing transforming quality within you.
you are obviously very truamatised if you are getting flashbacks. you may well benefit from some help from a psychological specialist, who has much experience of dealing with people who are in such a predicament. you can be referred confidentially through your doctor. however whether you want to do this is enitrely up to you. you should just know that the option is there.
You may want to talk to your family members about the way you have treated them them in the past and treat them now. Explain to them the way you felt inside and how you feel bad for doing that to them and ask their forgiveness. The explanation from you will help them to understand and forgive you. It will ease tehir pain also. As your family, they naturally want to see you happy, and to see you hurt is also painful for them.
at least you know that the way you treat your parents is wrong. but then why do you continue to do it? is it because you know that you can? or perhaps you dont know what else to do with your anger? you need to face up to this issue as and when it happens. after all the responsibility and power for your own actions is ALWAYS in your own hands.
once you have made peace with your past and those around you, you can then approach these consequences that are hurting you today with a fresh and steady mindset.
you must realise that low self esteem is itself like a terrible disease. it exacerbates its self. if you let it take control it can be very destructive. But if YOU take control of IT, it can be so easily diminished. In order to control something, you must understand it. So I'd say that you should look at the reasons for your low self confidence and scrutinise your response to them.
for example you say that you feel like you are ugly. In what way? internally? well that is only a call for change. You mean the way you look? ugly compared to who? Your face is you face. Dont call it ugly or beautiful. Just realise that it is unique, and that it is yours. There is someone out there that will be drawn to this face, and you will be drawn to hers. its all part of fate.
please see that low self esteem is itself ugly. confidence is attractive.
p.s. as a sikh, i would suggest that you read some path- if even just a little-every morning and night. it has wondrous effect on the psyche. read it in the original punjabi. do not worry if you do not understand it much at first. the words and the sounds are pact with power and blessings. the meaning will come to you intuitively.