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|Between A Rock And A Hard Place (Arranged Marriage)
|Love & Marriage
|Sunday, 3/13/2011 5:56 PM MDT
Been in the forum on and off for more then 3 years I think you guys are doing a great job and should keep on going.
I've read about almost everything about people's problems, now there is a problem I have to solve on my own. To start: I'm 22 year old guy today. When I was 19 my parents were setting up a trap for me. I thought that I was going to meet this girl in India in winter, my idea was that I was gonna turn her down and that I because I was a guy I could choose who I was suppose to marry. But no, little did I know that if she was a too good catch my opinion wouldn't matter. I later found out that my parent's arranged her marriage behind my back when I was 14.
So after I turned the girl down, it was still arranged so I was helpless and stuck and that I was gonna have a Engagement aka. Ring ceremony 2 days after we meet for the first time, and perhaps then get married in the summer because we we're stucked. On the way home in India after meeting the girls family for the first time, I almost got a Mental Breakdown.
And I thought why did my parents sell me out? But I later found out that in their thinking is that they weren't selling me out, they went with the flow of family and thought that they we're making me a favour by having a "supporting family with good survivability or somebody who can take care of me when my parents are dead".
So I researched about Indian Culture and I learned alot, In my personal opinion it's based on three things: Money, survivability and egotism. And when I was in India when I was 19 year old many people were very jealous that I was getting married, because it's hard to get girls because no one want's to pay fee's to the groom when it comes to marriages so they abort every girl, in relation it creates a shortage on women which they have to import women from other Indian states.
They also jealous that I could get "better girls" because I was NRI (Not fRom India).If I was born in India, I would probably be very happy that a girl would marry me because of the diffrent culture.
So I got engaged 2 days after we first met personally and I haven't been in India for 3 years now because I don't want to get married. My relatives here tell me: "See we told you, we are f***** (they are all in bad arranged marriages in my opinion), don't think that you'll get away with this indian cultural thing as well!"
Problem is that me and my "fiancée" is stuck in some kind of limbo. I don't wanna have anything to do with my "fiancée".
But If I don't take her to my homecountry by marrying her she will be in a very bad position because "Her fiancée is coming from a culture were they don't think about survavibility, but about how to live life and they can because they have money and a society that don't have arranged marriages so her fiancée from abroad didn't want her at all to to begin with".
In short term: If a fiancée rejects a girl, she won't get married again according to Patriarchy cultural. She will get in a very bad situation and god knows what her parent's will do to her.
And because her father is from a high position in a big politcal election party, no one in my family can enter India in at least 10 years without being arrested for things we didn't do (besides that no one will marry her daughter).Another thing as that my mother will take all the blame (becuase of culture again women takes the blame) which she doesn't like.
I don't mind not going to India, even if all jobs were outsourced to India I still wouldn't leave. But my parent's do because thier relatives are there.
If I married her I would go to india, sign paper marriage and we're married. Then after 2 years we get divorced and we go separate ways. That way she will be free from her parent's and from cultural clashes. But who knows what will happen in 2 years? And it will take a loooooooooong while before she will adept herself to this country's culture. It took my parent's 20-25 years, it will be shorter for my fiancée but yet still very long.
For me marriage is serious, not just a paper marriage. But I understand why people do sponsorships and paper marriages. In my opinion they do it for survivability and money making (which many times goes hand in hand.)
What I think of marriages is that I have very bad experiances with arranged marriages: My parents are arranged but if my mom was white she wouldn't even stay with him for one day, she would just leave him because of diffrent personal things. Many arranged marriages problems in my family and surroundings includes: Physical/mental abuse, drug related problems, Infidelity/cheating in marriages, a prison feeling because if you divorce it would be suicide in society unless the husband want's it but they won't most of the cases and jealousy for no particular reasons caused by uncleaned minds.
I've been in love; But after seeing youtube video:Youth and having Relationships. I don't believe in Romances anymore and Love marriages either. The only things that's left is "bhakti" marriages: Which consists on the couple becoming one going with god toghater. More like cooperation and friendships which to me sounds very good.
I've been very inspired by Sikhnet youtube vidoes, for example the Marriage & Relationships series. And I agree with most of your videos almost seen them all.
I do kundalini yoga. But I can't clear my head in couple of weeks to make this decision, so I hope that someone with more clearness in thier mind can solve this dilemma.
I'm not ready for marriage, I can't even take care of myself yet. How can I take care of me and my fiancée, yet alone children if we get married? I'm trying to set myself straight, unfortunetly it will take some time. I'm very confused about life and I haven't found my identity nor my soul(mate).
Whatever I choose it will have consequenses, I just want to know what you think and what I should choose.
Don't know if it will help but here: My Tantric Numerology
Soul of 11
Karma of 1
Gift of 8
Destiny of 9
Path of 3
You can do your own numerology by looking it up on the web.
In regard to your parents having arranged a marriage....You must speak to them about this. Speak to your Giani, your Grandfather , your school counselor. You should not be trapped. You are not trapped. Stop worrying about it/ this girl/ the family/ and just say NO way. Thank you very much but this is NOT for me. Rather than be emotional and reactive...be very calm and clear and discuss together. Tell then to be calm and practical and patient. Of course the girl can get married to someone else. This is their pressuring you.
You are wise to want a marriage that is a partnership based on devotion and service. SK